1. Justin Bieber's monkey was quarantined in Germany
Today, in sentences you never thought you'd read: Justin Bieber recently snuck his pet monkey onto a private flight to Germany, resulting in the animal's quarantine. According to USA Today, Bieber's monkey arrived in Munich "without the papers required by German health laws," requiring the pop star to leave it with authorities in a quarantine zone before he could gain entry to the country. The report adds that Bieber might even face a fine over the monkey business, which would surely make him go bananas.

2. A third G.I. Joe movie is on the way
Congratulations, moviegoers: Your resigned, zombie-like willingness to subject yourselves to the G.I. Joe sequel that hit theaters last Friday has ensured that you'll receive another G.I. Joe sequel in the future. In even better news, Variety reports that G.I. Joe: Retaliation outdid its predecessor at the box-office "thanks in no small part to the 3D upcharge," which means we'll also be getting even more utterly unnecessary 3D blockbusters in the future. Further details on G.I. Joe 3: Revenge of the Etc. Etc.  weren't available, but it will presumably include the studio-mandated number of one-liners and CGI explosions.

3. Signed Beatles record sells for $290,500
A $290,500 check can't buy you love — but it can buy you a copy of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band signed by The Beatles, if you're a fan who doesn't mind dropping a crazy amount of money on something like that. According to The Hollywood Reporter, an "unnamed buyer from the Midwest" bought the album, which was expected to sell for the marginally less crazy amount of $30,000, despite the fact that Ringo's signature is included. 

4. Timberlake used "many different substances" at Coachella
In his most recent single, Justin Timberlake claims to be on his "suit and tie shit." But in a recent interview, the singer admitted to being on something else during his younger and more vulnerable years. "I've been to Coachella many times, on many different, um, substances," says Timberlake at Zap2It. "I've been to Coachella many times but not remembered a lot of it, I'll leave it at that." Timberlake didn't specify which substances he had used, so in the absence of an official explanation we're guessing some kind of experimental energy drink. 

5. Brazilians love Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
If you're looking to blame someone for the continued, inexplicable success of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, look no further than Brazil, where the reality series has apparently become a surprise hit. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is "very recognizable American content," says executive David M. Zaslav in an interview with The New York TimesTo help Brazilians understand the distinctly "American content" of a flatulent child beauty pageant contestant, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo airs with a glossary designed to explain terms like "glitz pageants" and "chubette" for Spanish-language viewers. And they say TV isn't educational.