1. Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a baby
Today in celebrity pregnancies: The Black Eyed Peas' Fergie, who is somehow the person with the least ridiculous name in a band that includes members called will.i.am and apl.de.ap. The BBC reports that Fergie tweeted "Josh and Me & BABY makes three!!! #mylovelybabybump," referring to husband Josh Duhamel, and cruelly preventing every gossip columnist reporting the news from using that baby bump joke. "I Gotta Feeling (That Fergie is Having a Baby)"? "Fetalicious"? Insert the lesser lyric-based pun of your choice here.

2. Staples Center plans to switch to vegetarian menu for Morrissey
Tuesday brought good news for fans who would rather munch on carrot sticks instead of burgers while listlessly shuffling to one of Morrissey's dirges: The singer has successfully petitioned Staples Center to switch to an all-vegetarian menu on the evening of his concert. Though Morrissey insists that the unprecedented change is not a victory for him, but "a victory for the animals," The Hollywood Reporter says Staples Center previously turned down a similar request from Paul McCartney — so Morrissey has, at the very least, won victory over a Beatle.

3. Harry Styles thinks Taylor Swift is a 'sweet girl'
One Direction singer Harry Styles and former flame Taylor Swift may be splitsville, but Styles doesn't seem to have hard feelings; in a recent interview with U.K. radio station Capital FM, the singer referred to Swift as a "sweet girl," presumably because he hasn't picked up a tabloid or turned on a television in over a month. "[Swift] always performs great and she's always good on the stage," said the singer at MTV News — somehow failing to add "except for when she does terrible faux-British accents."

4. Britney Spears went on a Valentine's date with a 'mysterious gentleman'
Has Britney Spears found love again? The Huffington Post reports that Spears was spotted with a "mysterious gentleman" on Valentine's Day, before providing an exhaustive list of details that cancel out the "mysterious" part — including the man's name (David), age (27), and tipping habits ($13 on a $60 sushi bill). Readers are encouraged to stay tuned for further reports on Spears' alleged new beau, which will presumably include his favorite color, blood type, and the number of times he's forgotten to floss over the past month.

5. Rihanna spent Valentine's Day without Chris Brown... but with marijuana
It wasn't all weirdly specific, exhaustively documented romance on Valentine's Day. According to Yahoo!, Rihanna spent Valentine's Day without alleged boyfriend Chris Brown, choosing instead to spend the holiday in the company of her friends and her, er, "buds." "Mary Jane will be my Valentine," said Rihanna on Instagram, later posting a snapshot of a "bouquet" of marijuana with the caption, "Roses are green! Somebody knows how to make me happy." And thanks to Instagram, so do the rest of us.