Negotiation is something we will all encounter in life. But many of us don't know how to negotiate well.
Negotiating is often fraught with emotions. It involves power and uncertainty, and one's argument can often be clouded by pride. It often seems like a zero-sum power struggle where the game is about cheating and arm-twisting.
It doesn't have to be this way. It's possible to learn to negotiate well, and it doesn't have to be a power struggle. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, is the best book I've read on this topic. It's a business classic that has spent a lot of time on the business bestseller lists. You should read it.
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The book is drawn from something called the Harvard Negotiation Project, a systematic study of negotiation done at Harvard Business School. It's based on a few simple, but powerful, principles:
1. Separate people from the problem
Negotiation can get emotional. Our identities get bound up into pride games. We don't want to give in because it would make us feel like losers. But to negotiate properly, we have to face the problem, not the individual person we're up against. Here's how the authors describe this:
If negotiators view themselves as adversaries in a personal face-to-face confrontation, it is difficult to separate their relationship from the substantive problem. In that context, anything one negotiator says about the problem seems to be directed personally at the other and is received that way. Each side tends to become defensive and reactive and to ignore the other side's legitimate interests altogether. ... However difficult personal relations may be between us, you and I become better able to reach an amicable reconciliation of our various interests when we accept that task as a shared problem and face it jointly. [Getting to Yes]
2. Focus on interests, not positions
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In other words, ask yourself not just what your opponent wants, but why they want it. Identifying one another's interests, what's really at the root of your arguments, makes it easier to find a solution that benefits both of you.
Let's say I want to sell a car for $10,000, you want to buy it for $5,000, and we haggle over price. This sort of negotiation often ends up being about power and brinkmanship. But maybe I'm selling the car not just because I want cash, but because I need to pay for my grandmother's healthcare. Maybe if you give me $7,000 and promise to drive her to the hospital, we can have a deal.
3. Invent options for mutual gain
Both of you can win if you're open to considering alternative options. The problem is that most people don't spend enough time brainstorming other solutions before they decide an argument is hopeless. Let's say I want to rent the house for $1,000, but you don't have that much money; that's a dead end. But maybe you're a very skilled craftsman and you can pay $500 and make up for the missing cash by working on the house. It's a win-win situation.
4. Insist on using objective criteria
Is $1,000 "fair" rent? Compared to what? The market? The market for similar houses? If I ask for $1,000 and you offer $500, it's just a power game. But if we both agree to objective criteria by which to judge a winning deal, we're getting somewhere.
The book is full of other gems. It includes tips on implementation in practice, answers to common questions, and case studies. But the most powerful parts for me were really the insights on focusing on interests, not positions, and inventing options that move the argument away from just haggling. It's the only negotiation book where it's more helpful to you if the person you're sitting across from has read it. And everyone should read it.
Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry is a writer and fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center. His writing has appeared at Forbes, The Atlantic, First Things, Commentary Magazine, The Daily Beast, The Federalist,Quartz, and other places. He lives in Paris with his beloved wife and daughter.
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