Feature

The best headlines of 2020

Even a pandemic doesn't put a stop to bad ideas, roving monkey gangs, or Florida men

As we lay 2020 to rest (and proverbially wrap garlic around its neck and stick a stake through its chest for good measure), we might also reflect on how utterly bizarre this year was. Not just because we spent most of it in our houses shouting "unmute yourself" at our computer screens, but because we've learned that even a pandemic doesn't put a stop to bad ideas, roving monkey gangs, or Florida men.

Here are the strangest and most hilarious headlines of the year, in chronological order.

"Foxes keep attacking this 88-year-old, leading him to strangle one with his bare hands" [The Washington Post]

"Northwestern graduate moving closer to home after spending time abroad" [The Chicago Tribune]

"Finally, this cuttlefish can see Avatar" [The Cut]

"Gritty may or may not have punched a child" [Vice]

"Trump reportedly asked Reince Priebus how badgers 'work' and if they're 'mean to people'" [Intelligencer]

"42-year-old pulled out of crowd to make NHL debut ... and wins game" [The Guardian]

"Roving band of herpes-ridden monkeys now roaming northeast Florida" [The New York Post]

"Apparently, a lot of people think the deadly coronavirus is caused by Corona beer" [KXLF]

"Man who robbed bank wearing pillow case without eye holes arrested after fleeing 'very slowly' then stopping to pat a dog, court hears" [The Independent]

"Christian activist plans to sue NFL because Shakira and J-Lo performances endangered his eternal soul" [Raw Story]

"'As I was being eaten, I was thinking about my insurance': Woman who lost her face in bear attack on why she's voting for Bernie Sanders" [The Independent]

"Burning calories: Pig starts farm fire by excreting pedometer" [The Guardian]

"Should orgies keep going in the age of coronavirus?" [The Guardian]

"Baltimore mayor begs residents to stop shooting each other so hospital beds can be used for coronavirus patients" [CBS Baltimore]

"Coronavirus conference gets canceled because of coronavirus" [Bloomberg]

"Bob Dylan releases 17-minute song about JFK's assassination, offers no explanation" [Vulture]

"March, the longest month of our entire lives, is reportedly ending" [USA Today]

"Has anyone found Trump's soul? Anyone?" [The New York Times]

"The Purge siren used by Louisiana police as curfew alarm, panicking citizens" [Deadline]

"Jose Canseco worried Bigfoot or aliens can 'get coronavirus'" [Fox News]

"A California city filled its skate park with sand to deter skateboarders. Then the dirt bikes showed up." [CNN]

"Florida man plans to dress as Grim Reaper to scare away beachgoers" [NBC Miami]

"Alabama police search for 'aggressive chicken' attacking people at ATMs" [MyStateline.com]

"Monkeys snatch COVID-19 blood samples after attacking lab worker in India" [CBS News]

"Coronavirus trapped this Bolivian orchestra in a German castle surrounded by wolves and ghosts" [Stereogum]

"White House says police didn't use tear gas and rubber bullets in incident that cleared protesters with chemical irritants and projectile munitions" [The Washington Post]

"Residents surrender Thai city to monkey gangs headquartered in an abandoned cinema" [The Telegraph]

"Netflix secured 'Space Force' trademark before U.S. Armed Forces" [PC Mag]

"Ford decides not to unveil the new Bronco SUVs on O.J. Simpson's birthday" [CNBC]

"COVID-19 sex advice from NYC: Make it 'a little kinky'" [Newsweek]

"Woman shouts 'I still love sharks' after being attacked by one" [The New York Post]

"Bolsonaro called his isolation from the coronavirus 'horrible' and was shortly afterwards bitten by an emu" [Web24]

"Florida man accused of using COVID-19 relief funds to buy Lamborghini" [WFLA]

"Feeling antsy? Join the club. Nearly 2 million people on Facebook are pretending to be ants." [The Washington Post]

"Rent now slightly less too damn high in Manhattan" [Gothamist]

"Maskless man ejected from Disney's Hollywood Studios today while screaming misquotes from Pixar's A Bugs Life" [WDW News Today]

"Overzealous profanity filter bans paleontologists from talking about bones" [The Guardian]

"A giant 2,000-year-old cat drawing was accidentally found by workers in Peru" [Vice]

"Massachusetts town begs residents to stop calling about fish" [The New York Times]

"The FDA is literally warning people not to drink bleach now" [Science Alert]

"Apparently, different animals keep evolving into crabs" [Cracked]

"Escaped cloned female mutant crayfish take over Belgian cemetery" [New Zealand Herald]

"Leopard mauls Florida man who paid for 'full-contact experience' with big cat" [The Associated Press]

"We can't believe we have to say this, but you win an election by being ahead when all the votes are counted" [FiveThirtyEight]

"3 men banned from Yellowstone after trying to cook chicken in geyser" [Today]

"Pope Francis urges followers to pray that AI and robots 'always serve mankind'" [The Verge]

"Elected official apologizes for using Cardi B's 'WAP' to promote Weatherization Assistance Program" [ABC 15]

"Thief drives Marshmello's $500k Hennessey VelociRaptor to Taco Bell" [Stereogum]

"Fat, flightless parrot named Bird of the Year after a campaign tainted by voter fraud" [CNN]

"Man accused of Ponzi scheme attempts to escape FBI with underwater scooter" [The Hill]

"A whole Australian state shut down because of a takeout pizza that didn't exist" [The Wall Street Journal]

"Hundreds of 'zombie mink' resurfacing from mass graves" [Reuters]

"Florida man rescues puppy from jaws of alligator without dropping cigar" [The Guardian]

"Bad sex award cancelled as public exposed to 'too many bad things in 2020'" [The Guardian]

"Lottery with 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 drawn sparks fraud probe after 20 people win jackpot" [Newsweek]

"Octopuses sometimes punch fish out of spite, scientists say" [The Independent]

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