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The Boston Red Sox beards: A semi-factual guide to the team's best facial hair styles
Like modern day Samsons, the Red Sox derive power from their renowned hair
'Tis the season.
'Tis the season. (Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
T

he Boston Red Sox are going to the American League Championship Series — and so, too, are their beards.

Most members of the team sprouted beards on a whim this year, turning an impromptu idea into a bizarre bonding exercise that has come to define the team and its season. The beards grew longer and weirder as the year wore on, with some going where beards have never gone before.

Here, a sampling of the best beards:

Mike Napoli

(Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Duck Dynasty
Description: Untamed, free-flowing. Functions as both a duck blind and natural duck habitat.



Jonny Gomes

(Darren McCollester/Getty Images)

Beard Style: Dueling Muttonchops
Description: Each follicle is an accomplished banjo player. Occasionally sneaks away to drink whiskey by moonlight on a pond somewhere deep in Appalachia.



Dustin Pedroia

(Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Ulysses S. Grant
Description: Stately, timeless, presidential. Antonym: Dustin Pedroia.



John Lackey

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: Front Mullet
Description: Business in the front, party on the sides. Looks worse the longer it grows. Cannot be paired with shirtsleeves.



Shane Victorino

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: Hawaiian Gerrymander
Description: Random, snaking tendrils. Designed to maximize weight of the chin while minimizing heft of the cheeks. May have caused government shutdown.



David Ross

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: Old Man in the Mountchin
Description: Steel wool dipped in house paint. Also known as "Ol' Skunktail."



Ryan Dempster

(Jared Wickerham/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Craig Breslow
Description: Neat, close-shorn. Most commonly found on: New dads, Just For Men models, Craig Breslows.



Craig Breslow

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Ryan Dempster
Description: Neat, close-shorn. Most commonly found on: Brooklyn faux intellectuals, JCPenney's catalog models, Ryan Dempsters.



Jarrod Saltalamacchia

(Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Interrobang
Description: Like his name, the beard is both a question and an exclamation.



Mike Carp

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Ahab
Description: Scraggly, sea-faring. Maddeningly fixated on the whale — the whale! The damn, white whale!



David Ortiz

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Tetris
Description: Fastidiously geometric, high-scoring. Grows increasingly faster as season progresses. Rumored cheat codes never proven true.



Stephen Drew

(Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Goldilocks
Description: Not too long, not too short. Not too neat, not too shaggy. Affinity for porridge, naps, bears.



Will Middlebrooks

(Darren McCollester/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Nothing to See Here
Description: Standard scruff. Doubles as medium grit (P60-80) sandpaper. Variation on "The Meh Cop."



Clay Buchholz

(Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Wooly Willy
Description: Patchy,magnetized. Shaving requires no razor, only a brisk shake or small polarized wand.



Jon Lester

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Dirty Lincoln
Description: Chinstrap gone awry. Brilliant orator of uncouth tales. Enjoys disrupting operas with armpit farts.



Jacoby Ellsbury

(Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Beard Style: The Best Supporting Actor
Description: Adds seriousness to the baby-faced. Known to coo, "Hey, girl," at passersby. Had a cameo in Argo.

Jon Terbush is a staff writer for TheWeek.com covering politics, sports, and other things he finds interesting. He has previously written for Talking Points Memo, Raw Story, and Business Insider.

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