1. Ke$ha writes music with her breasts
If you've ever wondered how Ke$ha has managed to write thought-provoking, musically precise songs like "Tik Tok" and "We R Who We R," the pop star has finally revealed the secret genius behind her music: Her breasts. "I walk over to the piano and I gently lower myself… my boobs," said Ke$ha in a Conan appearance available at BuzzFeed. "I just let 'em tickle the ivories. […] Although you're laughing, it's a very serious process for me." Ke$ha's commitment to the "serious process" behind her music also includes, we presume, brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack and drinking her own urine.
2. Hulk Hogan filed another lawsuit against Gawker so we'll all forget his sex tape
You've probably forgotten all about Hulk Hogan's sex tape, which Gawker first reported in October 2012 before a federal judge ordered them to take a one-minute video excerpt down. But Hulk Hogan hasn't forgotten, and consequently, he's launched yet another lawsuit against Gawker for linking to another website hosting the footage. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Hogan's plan to "punish" Gawker currently hinges on a legal injunction, though we're still holding out hope for a no-holds-barred cage match at Summerslam.
3. Kristin Cavallari is putting her acting career on hold
Bad news, everybody: According to USA Today, noted thespian Kristin Cavallari is putting her acting career on hold so she can spend more time with her fiance. The Hills alumni, whose most memorable recent appearances include a guest spot on The Middle and a supporting turn in the direct-to-DVD sequel Van Wilder: Freshman Year, explains that her acting hiatus is one of those "sacrifices we make for love" — a sacrifice, alas, that the rest of us also have to bear. Though Cavallari didn't give any hints as to when she might return to acting, we can only assume that the Academy will retire the Best Actress category at the Oscars in her honor until she returns.
4. Former Kardashian nurse offers non-revelatory revelations about the Kardashians
You might think that it would be difficult to dig up new dirt on a family that has spent the past five years broadcasting every aspect of their lives in reality shows and tabloids — and as it turns out, you'd be right! Former Kardashian family employee Pam Behan has written a book called Malibu Nanny: Adventures of the Former Kardashian Nanny, and one intrepid journalist has been kind enough to summarize and spare you the trouble of reading it. Notable excerpts include the revelation that Kris Jenner wore expensive dresses, liked to have coffee at 5 a.m., and got angry once when Behan forgot to buy broccoli. Anyone who cares to learn even more buried family secrets — including a riveting anecdote about Jenner giving a table and chair set away — can do so at the Daily News.
5. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon had a Cinderella-themed wedding vow renewal
Courtesy of Entertainment Tonight, a list of things you missed at Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's private, absurdly lavish wedding vow renewal ceremony, which took place at Disneyland last night: A horse-drawn crystal carriage; 15,000 flowers imported from South Africa, Holland, and France; 10,000 crystals. What you did not miss was any semblance of restraint or humility — if only because it wasn't there anyway. "#donthatemebecauseimasiva," wrote Carey on Instagram, coming up with her own embarrassingly tone-deaf hashtag and still managing to spell "diva" wrong.