1. Kate Middleton is having a daughter, speculates everyone
The British tabloid press is buzzing over the possibility that Kate Middleton accidentally revealed that the royal fetus is a girl. According to Vanity Fair, Duchess Kate recently accepted the gift of a teddy bear from a commoner by saying, "Thank you. I'll take that for my d-" before cutting herself off and leaving everyone to breathlessly speculate what the "D" could possibly stand for. Perhaps unsurprisingly, "daughter" has been the most common guess. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, everybody. She could have been saying "darling son."
2. This week's irritating celebrity feud: Alec Baldwin and Shia LaBeouf
Fulfilling the weekly quota of public celebrity feuds that keeps the tabloid industry chugging along, Alec Baldwin and Shia LaBeouf have continued to snipe at each following LaBeouf's departure from the Broadway play Orphans, in which the duo was originally set to costar. According to Vulture, Baldwin said he believes LaBeouf isn't "in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn't." (That seems reasonable, since LaBeouf was in the theater for about a week.) LaBeouf fired back by publicly releasing emails he exchanged with Orphans director Daniel Sullivan in which Sullivan told LaBeouf that he suspected Baldwin was "not nearly as prepared as you are." Readers can follow this feud with half-hearted interested for the next week or so, when we all move on to some other feud. (Our guess: Lady Gaga and Tommy Lee Jones.)
3. Carrie Fisher will play Princess Leia in Star Wars: Episode VII
Meet the new Star Wars cast, same as the old Star Wars cast. In a recent interview with Palm Beach Illustrated, Carrie Fisher responded to a question about whether she would reprise the role of Princess Leia in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII by saying "yes" — so yeah, that sounds pretty definitive. Fisher also joked that she thinks Princess Leia is probably "in an intergalactic old folks' home" — an utterly ridiculous idea that still somehow sounds more interesting than the Star Wars prequels.
4. Howard Stern might replace Jimmy Fallon in late-night shakeup
If Jimmy Fallon does indeed usurp Jay Leno's Tonight Show throne in 2014, he will leave his own vacant spot in the late-night lineup, and reports indicate that shock jock Howard Stern is an early favorite for the gig. Though Stern's particular brand of crass humor may seem like an odd fit for the family-friendly NBC, the New York Post reports that Stern's side job as a judge on America's Got Talent has shown that he can "act like a grown-up and play well with others if the money's right."
5. Selena Gomez didn't care about Justin Bieber's terrible birthday either
Remember how Justin Bieber whined that he had the "worst birthday ever" last weekend, even though his gifts included a customized "Bat Bike" modeled on the one from The Dark Knight? If you're still choking down bile over the general unfairness of the universe, you're not alone: Ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez was similarly unimpressed. "Justin texted Selena about how depressed he was about his birthday party being a disaster, but she didn't want anything to do with him," said a source at HollywoodLife. "She's moving on and having fun with all of her friends and family — she doesn't have time for him." Would that we could all do the same.