1 Lindsay Lohan never thanked Charlie Sheen for $100,000 handout
One might think that a no-strings-attached check for $100,000 would merit a fruit basket, or at least a thank-you card. But Charlie Sheen recently revealed that Lindsay Lohan still hasn't expressed any gratitude for the $100,000 he sent her to help cover her debts to the IRS. "I'm still waiting for a text to say 'thank you,'" said Sheen at Entertainment Tonight. "Anything, you know?" In Lohan's defense, it's very difficult to find time to make a 30-second phone call when you're partying with a boy band every night. 

2. Twenty percent of South Carolinians want Stephen Colbert for senator
Conservatives and liberals alike would probably agree that the Senate could benefit from an infusion of truthiness — but is Stephen Colbert the right man for the job? According to a state poll, 20 percent of South Carolinians want Colbert to replace Jim DeMint when the uber-conservative steps down from his Senate post next month, putting the comedian ahead of actual politicians like Rep. Tim Scott, Rep. Trey Gowdy, and former Gov. Mark Sanford, reports the Wall Street Journal. One question: Would Colbert be a great senator, or the greatest senator?

3. Kristen Stewart doesn't want you to call her nude scene "brave"
Attention, critics: If you were planning to say anything nice about Kristen Stewart's performance in On the Road — which famously includes nudity — think again. "I do hate also when people go, 'Oh wow, great performance. So brave,'" Stewart tells People. "If you start... considering what people are going to think, you'll never make a movie," she adds — helpfully explaining how she got through five Twilight films with a straight face.  

4. Justin Bieber adds 31 more shows to Believe tour
Earlier today, Justin Bieber generously gave residents of cities like Los Angeles, Chicago, and Newark, N.J., more than six months to flee their homes before he and his army of tween fans invade — announcing a 31-show extension of his Believe tour. MTV News reports that the tour will finally draw to a close in Atlanta on Aug. 10. Eager Beliebers are advised to get in line now.

5. Samuel L. Jackson wants to appear in Star Wars: Episode VII
The on-screen death of a character in a film generally precludes that character from appearing in future installments — but Samuel L. Jackson, who played Mace Windu in the Star Wars prequels, is arguing that Mace should be forcibly resurrected for the franchise's upcoming Episode VII, reports E! Online. "I can come back as a one-armed or a one-handed Jedi," says Jackson, demonstrating a level of storytelling prowess on par with George Lucas' own writing. We have a bad feeling about this.