1. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel get married
It's official: After five years of dating and a 10-month engagement, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are married, reports People Magazine in an article/stealth press release for the magazine's upcoming Biel-Timberlake wedding issue. "It's great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful, and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends," the newlyweds explain in an exclusive statement carefully calculated to sound pleasant while revealing absolutely nothing.

2. Tom Hanks drops a heavily-accented F-bomb on Good Morning, America
In a promotional appearance for the upcoming film Cloud Atlas, Tom Hanks got a little too into character while demonstrating one of his accents, inadvertently dropping the F-word during a live broadcast. (The moment was edited out for rebroadcasts in later time zones, says The Hollywood Reporter.) The actor later tweeted, "For GMA, spesh kowtow for Lizzie V for WHAT DID I JUST SAY??? Oops! In character! Sorry! Hanx," in what is presumably yet another demonstration of Hanks' bizarre dialects.

3. Uma Thurman continues proud tradition of weird celebrity baby names
Apparently trying to top winning monikers like Apple Martin and Moon Unit Zappa, Kill Bill star Uma Thurman has publicly revealed the name of her 3-month-old baby: Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. The Huffington Post reports that Thurman and partner Arpad Busson will call their daughter "Luna" for short.

4. Lindsay Lohan allegedly (and predictably) skips work
In a report sure to shock anyone who hasn't picked up a tabloid in a decade, Lindsay Lohan allegedly skipped a day of work on her upcoming film The Canyons, says Jezebel. Screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis tweeted, "Patrick Bateman has just headed over to Lindsay Lohan's hotel to confront her as to why she missed her fucking ADR on The Canyons today." Patrick Bateman is the sadistic serial killer at the center of Ellis' novel American Psycho... so maybe Ellis is overreacting a little bit.

5. Daniel Radcliffe is single again
The Boy Who Lived is back on the market. For the past two years, the Harry Potter star has been dating Rose Corker, whom he met while she worked as a set painter on the last two Harry Potter films. Sadly, Radcliffe now feels "the magic is gone," reports the New York Daily News, demonstrating how irritating a breakup would be if you were famous for playing a wizard.