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To visit Google's patent website is to lose yourself in a black hole of totally weird wannabe inventions — a surprising number of which are for your feline friends. From toys meant to encourage exercise to systems that deliver live birds for food, here are 12 really weird cat patents.
1. "Method of exercising a cat"
If you watch My Cat From Hell (and you obviously do), you know that host Jackson Galaxy's first step in kitty exorcism is almost always increasing exercise — and America's inventors are on it. Patents for all kinds of strange, exercise-inspired toy patents exist, including number 5443036, "Method of Exercising a Cat." Kevin T. Amiss and Martin H. Abbott propose a ray or glue gun-looking device that beams a laser onto an opaque surface. Give it to the human, who must move the light "in an irregular way fascinating to cats, and to any other animal with a chase instinct." (Nothing you can't do with a flashlight.)
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Elmer Paul Venson and Leona June Wilson, on the other hand, take the hamster wheel one step further with patent number D484284, "Cat Exercise Wheel." Sure, it will get out your cat's excess energy, but expect her to be insulted that you're asking her to act like a rodent she wants to eat.
3. "Bird Predation Deterrent Shield"
Many cat-related patents aim to keep the creatures from eating birds — and no wonder, since felines take out an estimated 500 million songbirds every year. In patent number 5755186, "Bird predation deterrent shield for a cat," Susan B. Mandeville suggests a flexible bib that hangs from the cat's neck nearly down to its feet. According to the patent, "Use of a shield according to the present invention has been shown to drastically reduce the number of birds killed by a cat when worn by the cat while outdoors." (We can only assume Susan tested this on her own very disgruntled kitty.)
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4. "Collar for a cat for warning a bird of the presence of the cat"
Leo O. Voelker doesn't want to save the birds — or sparrows, anyway. His grisly "Bird Trap and Cat Feeder" is "designed to catch birds the size of a sparrow while releasing smaller song birds, wrens, swallows, or the like. The feeder providing means for continuously supplying a cat or neighborhood cats with sparrows to eat." The device delivers sparrows into a mesh cage; when the bird sticks its head through the mesh opening, the cat can grab it with its paw and pull it out — bon appétit!
6. "Device for restraining a cat"
Cats are fast, and can be easily distracted — hence the patents for restraints that will save your hands from scratches, bites, and potential cases of cat scratch fever. In patent 6394039, "Device for Restraining a Cat," Shanon O. Grauer imagines the feline equivalent of a straitjacket: There's a hole for the cat's head, and one for its tail. It forces the kitty to sit pretty so its human can easily administer medication. "A dog tends to receive medications … without serious complaint," the patent says. "A cat is, by its very nature, finicky and presents to its owner, a constant challenge to ensure that [it] has received its proper dosage."
7. "Another device for restraining a cat"
Meanwhile, Ruby Y. Young's "Cat Restrainer" looks like a horror film-approved torture device. The patent describes it as "a combination of a harness and frame assembly to provide a cat bathing, treating, breeding, transporting, and surgical restraint." Yikes.
8. "Furniture device for cats"
Cats only have their tongues to keep clean, so it's nice that some inventors have created devices to help with kitty grooming. James Piccone's "Furniture Device for Cats" is both a house and a fur-removal device: As cats enter and exit through holes in the structure, a "brushing or combing device" affixed to the holes creates an "automatic grooming operation … on the external hair or surface thereof to prevent the shedding of loose hairs on floors and other areas where such shedding is undesirable."
9. "Device for collecting cat hair"
Jack Randall Kidwell's "Device for Collecting Cat Hair" is much more likely to strike terror into the hearts of felines — before cats reach their food, they must first journey through an area of suction, which removes "loose particles" and hair.
10. "Vibrating cat litter scoop"
And then, of course, there are patents designed to help humans do their part (if they can't teach their kitties to use the toilet). Anthony O'Rourke's "Vibrating Cat Litter Scoop" helps separate cat litter from cat waste by battery-induced vibrations originating from the scoop's handle. Just don't accidentally pack this in your suitcase before you go on vacation! (People will wonder what's vibrating in there, and why you brought a litter scoop on your getaway.)
11. "Cat-shaped computer mouse"
These last two proposed gizmos are clearly aimed at the cat lady segment of the population, who would no doubt quickly snatch up patent number D639299, "Cat-Shaped Computer Mouse"...
12. "Acrylic night light cover in the form of a cat"
