How do I tell my parents I'm not having children?

(Image credit: Jackie Sallow Photography)

last updated 10 January 2015

Dear Starshine,

After 10 years together, and a lot of soul searching and serious conversations, my husband and I have decided not to have children. It would have been very difficult to conceive and I'm finally at peace with our decision after years of uncertainty. My dilemma is this: How do we communicate this to our family? Does this conversation need to take place in person? I'm leaning toward the coward's path of email — which seems a bit cruel, like breaking up with someone via text, but oh-so-tempting. I've also considered not telling them at all so they can draw their own conclusions. This is a very private decision so I'm not sure how to take it public. Any suggestions?

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Are you worried that your families will be disappointed? (They will. It's OK.) That they'll judge you? (They might. Let them.) That they won't understand? (They don't need to.)

You're not required to tell them at all — but being honest will spare you all from the awkward, passive-aggressive hint lobbing that tends to happen across Thanksgiving tables, and I promise you they hate that game as much as you do. I like the way you said it above: "We've decided after much soul searching and serious conversations not to have children." There's no need to give reasons. "Ultimately, it just isn't what we want" should do nicely. Reassure them, if you like, that it has nothing to do with their parenting or your own childhoods. (Unless it does, in which case, avoid that line of dialogue entirely!)

But don't do it over email. They'll read it and re-read it forever, torturing themselves by looking for secret meaning in each word, each phrase. If you say it in person, your message will soften in their minds over time. And when they think back on the considerate, personal way you shared your decision with them, they'll remember only what they want — and need — to remember.

Send me your dilemmas via email: ToughLove@TheWeek.com. And follow me on Twitter: @ToughLoveAdvice.

Starshine Roshell is a veteran journalist and award-winning columnist whose work has appeared in The Hollywood Reporter, New York Post and Westways magazine. She is the author of Keep Your Skirt On, Wife on the Edge and Broad Assumptions.