It's only March, but we already have a contender for the worst movie of 2013: InAPPropriate Comedy, a low-budget film featuring appearances from Adrien Brody and Lindsay Lohan, and directed by Vince Offer, who is better known as the pitchman for the Sham-Wow. Based on its abysmal reception from both critics and audiences, InAPPropriate Comedy would be a clear frontrunner for the Razzies next year — if it weren't for Movie 43, another would-be "comedy" that earned a similarly dismal reception in January.
Movie 43 and InAPPropriate Comedy bear more than a few similarities. Both movies were advertised as shocking, edgy, hard-R comedies. Both movies are a collection of loosely connected sketches. And both movies rely heavily on the "star power" of slumming celebrities.
So let's get down to brass tacks. Movie 43 and InAPPropriate Comedy are both awful movies — but which is the worse awful movie? A scientific comparison:
1. Percentage of positive reviews
Loser: InAPPropriate Comedy, but with an asterisk. While 66 out of the 69 reviews for Movie 43 were negative, 0 out of the 4 reviews for InAPPropriate Comedy were positive. If the same number of critics had showed up to see the latter, there's a chance — a chance — that InAPPropriate Comedy could have managed more than 3 positive reviews.
2. Nastiest quote from a critic
"As a film critic, I've seen nearly 4,000 movies over the last fifteen years. Right now, I can't think of a worse one than Movie 43." — Elizabeth Weitzman, New York Daily News
"This painfully unfunny assemblage of would-be comedy sketches manages to make Movie 43 look good in retrospect." — Frank Scheck, Hollywood Reporter
Loser: InAPPropriate Comedy. If a critic thinks any movie can actually make Movie 43 look good, we're really in trouble.
3. Opening weekend box-office gross
$4.8 million in 2,023 theaters, for an average of $2,376 per theater.
$172,000 in 275 theaters, for an average of $625 per theater.
Loser: InAPPropriate Comedy. But Movie 43 doesn't have anything to brag about.
4. Number of Oscar winners in cast
Two (Kate Winslet, Halle Berry)
One (Adrien Brody)
Loser: Movie 43. What's worse than squandering one Oscar winner in your brutally unfunny film? Squandering two Oscar winners in your brutally unfunny film.
5. Number of seconds it took me to stop watching the trailer
33 seconds. ("Will you poop on me?")
40 seconds ("I like a nice hard finish when I squeeze each load down that barrel")
Loser: Movie 43.
6. Number of times the director has been arrested for felony battery after a violent encounter with a prostitute
Loser: InAPPropriate Comedy
It was a close race, but by a margin of 4 to 2, InAPPropriate Comedy is the worst comedy released so far in 2013. Don't take it too hard, guys; at least you beat Oogieloves.