1. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West cause 50-minute flight delay
Celebrities — they're nothing like us! During a layover in New York, an enterprising airline employee decided to help Kim Kardashian and Kanye West on their way back to Los Angeles by escorting them through a "non-public area" to reach their connecting flight. It was a generous gesture, but a misguided one, since basic protocol requires every passenger to go through a TSA security checkpoint before boarding a plane. NBC New York reports that TSA officials heard what happened and pulled Kardashian and West off their plane, resulting in a 50-minute delay for the rest of the passengers, who were forced to wait as the celebs were screened — definitively proving one man (and one woman) can have all that power.

2. Maggie Smith doesn't watch Downton Abbey
If you're one of the last remaining people in the country who has somehow resisted the urge to watch British people doing British things on the hit series Downton Abbey, you're in very good company: Maggie Smith, who has won two Emmys and a Golden Globe for playing the withering Lady Grantham on the series, has never seen an episode. "I don't sit down and watch it," says Smith at Reuters, explaining that watching her own performances frustrates her because she wishes she could change things about them. Now that Smith has admitted her Downton Abbey non-fandom, she can no doubt look forward to her friends pestering her nonstop about borrowing her DVD sets.

3. Chubby Checker sues Hewlett-Packard and Palm over penis size app
Today in stories that we swear aren't from The Onion: Singer Chubby Checker is suing Hewlett-Packard and Palm for permitting the sale of an app that "enables women to estimate the size of a man's penis based on his shoe size" called — what else? — the "Chubby Checker." TMZ reports that the singer originally sent a cease-and-desist letter in 2012, but decided to take legal action after his complaint fell on deaf ears. It's unclear how much he's seeking in damages, but you know what they say: It's not the size of the lawsuit, it's what you do with it.

4. Life-size chocolate statue of Bruce Willis unveiled in Japan
What do you get when you cross Valentine's Day with A Good Day to Die Hard? A disturbingly realistic statue of Die Hard star Bruce Willis made entirely of chocolate, apparently. BuzzFeed reports that the chocolate statue debuted at a Japanese event promoting the film, alongside a woman in a leather jumpsuit and a man sporting Willis' trademark white tank top/no shoes/receding hairline look from the first Die Hard. The chocolate Bruce Willis also holds a chocolate machine gun (and carries, we assume, a chocolate permit for it). 

5. Ke$ha once drank her own pee
In a recent interview with BBC, Ke$ha explained that she occasionally drinks more than a bottle of Jack. Indeed, she's been known to sample her own urine. "I was told drinking my own pee was good," explains Ke$ha, who would presumably jump off a bridge if all her friends were doing it too. But the singer assures us that she put her pee-swilling days behind her when she took a chug and realized "it was really gross" — so for anyone who hasn't swallowed their own urine, consider yourselves informed.