February is canceled

I have some bad news: It is still February.

At this point, I feel like I've been sick for a month. I'm tired even after a good night's sleep. I've had a lingering sore throat that's not bad enough for a sick day but still makes me miserable. I'm constantly cold and sad. But I don't have the flu — no, these are all just symptoms of this horrible month, which, I regret to add, is only halfway over.

There are a lot of bad months of the year, but February is by far the worst. I'm not whining; this is objectively true. The Romans, who were clearly much smarter than us when they were using the Calendar of Romulus, originally didn't even have a February. Yeah, sure, maybe that wreaked havoc on the calendar and we occasionally needed to have a 445-day long year to make up for it, but it's also historical proof that everyone has always hated February, even the people who reluctantly made it up.

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I don't even need to tell you why this month is awful — you probably have your own very good list of reasons. In a 2005 Gallup poll, the first and second months of the year were tied for being the worst. It's a fact even Democrats and Republicans agree on (Independents incorrectly think March is the worst month of the year, to which I will point out that March is superior just by the virtue of it not being February anymore).

January, meanwhile, is often unfairly maligned as being as bad as February, but it isn't: Think about how exciting last month was, when the possibilities of 2019 stretched out before you like the yellow brick road. Then reflect on how soul-crushing the past two weeks have felt.

Still, some people will try to convince you that February has "snow" and snow is "fun," forgetting that December and January also had snow and while it might have been fun once, by now it is extremely not. More often than not, February's forecast is something awful like "freezing rain" followed by "hail" followed by "wintry mix," which is the most dreadful weather there is. February is the reason why I both slipped and fell on a sidewalk yesterday and accidentally stepped off a curb into a foot-deep frozen pool of garbage-colored water. Enough is enough.

That's not even to mention the fact that it is a cardinal rule of February that You Will Get Sick. Maybe you will even get sick multiple times! There's almost a morbid element of excitement to not knowing when, exactly, you'll be struck down by the plague, the flu, or the cute-sounding but definitely-undesirable rhinoviruses. Every year I make it about three days into February thinking I've at last outwitted this crafty month only to wake up on the fourth with the telltale sensation of someone having taken a cheese grater to the inside of my throat.

Sadly, there is not even an escape from the misery of the short, freezing, sneezy days. No one wants to burn through their vacation days this early, even if it might be 80 degrees and sunny in Puerto Vallarta (but who's checking?). February is additionally a "dump month" for bad movies, with Slate reporting that the average new release this month earns a measly score of 45 out of 100 on Rotten Tomatoes — the lowest of the whole year. I mean, the best movie in theaters right now is … I don't know, Happy Death Day 2U? February must be stopped.

Even the events we're supposed to look forward to this month are bad. The Super Bowl and the Oscars ceremony are like hangovers from the year prior, holding you back when you are finally ready to focus on the year ahead. Groundhog's Day is a sadistic way of reminding us that no matter what the prophetic rodent predicts, spring is still weeks and weeks away. I suppose, at least, there is a federal holiday this month, although who really celebrates President's Day? And if you actually like Valentine's Day, you're a monster. If you call it "Singles Awareness Day," you're still a monster.

February's worst crime of all might be its ability to go on and on and on without anyone having the ability to do anything to stop it. Sometimes I will randomly burst out "it's still February," and see my own horror reflected in a passerby's eyes as the realization dawns on them too. It is still February. Even though it feels like it has always been February. Maybe it always will be February.

We cannot despair. I propose we lose this entire month, 365-day calendar year be damned. Please, let's just throw out February for good, revert to the Calendar of Romulus, and never look back. I'm begging you. I just want to be warm and happy again.