The Teletubbies are back (and more terrifying than ever)

A hapless TV executive sits in his darkened office, head in hands. "We've done it all," he mutters. "Transformers. G.I. Joe. Jem and the Holograms. Hell, there's a Boy Meets World sequel coming out soon. Is there any piece of children's entertainment that we haven't revived and strip-mined for whatever money might be left in it?"

He opens the blinds, and the sun shines in, reminding him of the terrifying, disembodied head of a cooing baby. "That's it!" he cries. "Teletubbies! We haven't rebooted that for a darker, grittier generation yet!"

And so it came to pass that 60 more episodes of The Teletubbies will debut on the BBC, wrapping up all the long-dangling plot threads that the original 365-episode run failed to resolve. "To work on the new evolution of Teletubbies is like being handed the television crown jewels," said executive producer Maddy Darrall, adding, without any apparent irony, that she plans to "respect the legacy and heritage of the original."

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But don't worry, toddlers: These aren't your slightly older sister's Teletubbies. The new episodes will be "enhanced by CGI" as part of a push to give the series a more "contemporary look" — so presumably Tinky Winky will carry a Whole Foods bag instead of a purse, or whatever.