The DNC backdrops stole the show

John Kasich was standing in the middle of nowhere. There was a road here a few minutes ago, a literal crossroads — get it? — but it has disappeared, seemingly into the void of utter green nothingness. The former Republican governor of Ohio appeared as lost as the country about which he was speaking in a series of groan-inducing metaphors.

Kasich was not the only guest on the first night of the virtual Democratic National Convention whose words were less interesting than the backdrop against which they were spoken. As far as I could tell only Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) was on an actual stage with an actual wooden podium and microphone. Instead Eva Longoria appeared in front of something that looked like a cheap knock-off version of the digital maps used by cable news anchors in their election night coverage; beyond the edges of the West Coast were glowing stars. Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) squinted at viewers from her couch. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) stood under two equally ugly Target parodies of abstract expressonist "art" (one painting was square-ish dark blue sludge with some white in the top-left corner; the other was vertical light blue sludge with white at the bottom). Tom Steyer, the businessman who spent $130 million to come in third in the South Carolina primary, showed off some awards, including two that seemed to be old-fashioned lightbulbs with wood bases. Andrew Yang, the other businessman in the race, had an actual globe, which was refreshing somehow.

While informing us that Donald Trump is the most racist president in American history (presumably besting even the actual slaveowners) and that he is "literally tearing apart the fabric of our country," Beto O'Rourke, the former Texas congressman and failed candidate for a variety of offices, showed off his vinyl collection.

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Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) showed off his wood collection.

The logs were machine cut, which made me wonder whether the 78-year-old but still junior senator from Vermont has his own wood splitter.

It was nice to see all these people again.