Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Trump reportedly hid a colonoscopy to avoid being 'the butt' of late-night jokes. Late night hosts belatedly deliver.

A new tell-all book about former President Donald Trump, by his former press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, is "full of weird revelations, like apparently back in 2019, Trump's secret trip to the hospital was so that he can get a colonoscopy," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show. "A colonoscopy is no big deal — they only found three polyps and Rudy Giuliani." Grisham also says "a White House official known as the 'Music Man' would play Trump his favorite show tunes, like 'Memory' from Cats, to pull him from the brink of rage," he laughed. "It makes sense because Trump's presidency is exactly like Cats: awkward, bizarre, and no one had any idea what the hell was going on."

According to Grisham, "when it came to his b-hole, the president had to be a real a-hole," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. Trump "was so reluctant to hand over powers of the presidency to Vice President Mike Pence that he underwent the colonoscopy without anesthesia. Oh my God! That had to be terrible — for the doctor who had to give a colonoscopy while the guy on the table kept screaming about how he won Michigan. Now, one of the reasons, evidently, for keeping the colonoscopy secret back then was that he didn't want to be 'the butt of a joke' of TV comedians. Sir, sir, please! I would have never made a joke about your butt — I would have made it a prime-time special." He already had a name picked out.

"Turning away from the president's butt for a moment," Colbert marveled, "after Stormy Daniels spilled the beans on his frank, the president called Grisham from Air Force One to assure her that his penis was not small or toadstool-shaped."

"Which is basically confirmation that his penis is small and toadstool-shaped," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "I have to say, it gives me a lot of satisfaction, as a late-night talk show host, to know that he opted to stay awake while they augured his innards with a sewer snake, specifically because he didn't want us making fun of him. I feel good, and I also feel cheated," he added. "And so to make up for what I'm contractually and ethically obligated to deliver to you, it's time for some Trump colonoscopy jokes. They're a few years old, but I think you're going to like them." Watch below to find out.