"Normally I'm against electing comedians to political office, and keep in mind, I ran for president twice," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. But his new "comedy idol," Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky "is inspiring the world with his courage in the face of the Russian invasion, and last night he took his bravery to a whole new level of badassery," declaring from his office he is not going anywhere and isn't afraid of anyone, despite several assassination attempts. Colbert tried a similarly courageous declaration, kind of.
"Zelensky has begged the Western powers to ramp up the economic pain on Russia, and this morning, Joe Biden dished out the biggest dose yet," Colbert said. "Take that, Vlad! America doesn't need your klepto-crude. America is perfectly happy to stay home and frack ourselves blind." Meanwhile, "more and more companies are saying nyet to doing business in Russia — the latest is McDonald's," he said. "Yes, Russia just became a no-fry zone."
"Today, McDonald's announced that it was closing all 850 of its restaurants in Russia," Jimmy Fallon said on The Tonight Show. "Yeah, we don't want their oil, and they can't have our grease. Not to be outdone, Arby's announced that they're punishing Russia by staying open." The U.S. oil embargo, though, "is devastating for Russia — now their biggest export is bad guys in John Wick movies," he joked. "Of course, we've got to get oil from somewhere else, which is why today Biden looked at Rudy Giuliani and was like, 'Let's get you in the sauna, buddy.'"
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The Late Show also explained the Russian oil ban with an homage to the Beverley Hillbillies theme.
"Honestly, I'm surprised Russia sends us any fuel, since they can't even get it to their tanks," Seth Meyers deadpanned on Late Night. As a result of the ban on importing Russian oil, gas, and coal, "the average U.S. price for a gallon of regular gasoline yesterday hit an all-time high, but good news: Dollar General has a great deal on irregular gasoline."
"Yeah, if you thought gas prices were already high, Russia invading Ukraine has only made things worse," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. That "sucks for everybody," because "the price of gas affects the price of everything. Like, if this keeps up, the next Fast and Furious movie is gonna take place on public transportation."
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