1. Paris Hilton is releasing another album
Our long national nightmare is over: After seven long years, socialite Paris Hilton is finally ready to release a follow-up to her 2006 self-titled debut album Paris. "This is a lot different than my first album," says Hilton in an interview quoted at Digital Spy. "It's really going to be house music." The report adds that Hilton plans to play "a number of shows" in Ibiza this summer, but just to be safe, you should probably avoid the Mediterranean altogether.

2. Justin Bieber makes his friends sign a $5 million nondisclosure agreement
According to TMZ, there ain't no party like a Justin Bieber party — though the pop star will sue you for an insane amount of money if you ever actually talk about it. The website has obtained a nondisclosure agreement the Biebs requires everyone to sign before entering his home in Calabasas, which threatens a $5 million lawsuit against anyone who talks about the "physical health, or the philosophical, spiritual, or other views or characteristics" of Bieber and his friends. The report adds that anyone entering risks "minor injuries to catastrophic industries, including death" — but we're sure that's a small price to pay to hang with his Biebness.

3. Former American Idol winners might take over as judges
Who better to pick an American Idol than a bunch of former American Idols? According to Vulture, there's "a very real chance" that the troubled Fox reality show, which earned its lowest-ever ratings with judges Mariah Carey, Nicki Minaj, and Steven Tyler, will replace its panel of celebrity judges with former American Idol contestants. Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson have been named as early favorites for the gig. Meanwhile, Sanjaya Malakar sits alone in his bedroom, fauxhawk perfectly shaped, desperately hoping the phone will ring.

4. An official One Direction biography is on the way
Is daily tabloid coverage of One Direction somehow not enough information about a bunch of blandly interchangeable teenagers? You're in luck: According to Capital FM, the British boy band has made plans to release a "100 percent official" book titled Where We Are: Our Band, Our Story, which will chronicle the last year and a half in the five band member's lives. "This Christmas, there will be no other book that true One Direction fans will want!" says a press release for Where We Are, a statement as depressing as it is accurate.

5. You can finally watch Ke$ha drink her own urine
Though rumors circulated for months, it was hard to believe that pop star Ke$ha had actually drank her own urine. Fortunately for all of us, Gawker has posted footage from Ke$ha's MTV reality series My Crazy Beautiful Life that shows the pop star taking a healthy swig of her own urine from a water bottle — an action that, while far from "beautiful," definitely qualifies as "crazy." We can only hope she subsequently found a bathroom and brushed her teeth with a bottle of Jack.