1. Jon Stewart is taking a 12-week hiatus from The Daily Show
After 15 years and thousands of jokes, host Jon Stewart is taking a 12-week break from The Daily Show, beginning this summer. In Stewart's absence, the show will be hosted by John Oliver, who will bring to the hosting chair a lifelong commitment to being British. Deadline reports that Stewart will use the time off to direct a film adaptation of Then They Came For Me: A Family's Story of Love, Captivity, and Survival, which tells the true-life story of a journalist's harrowing 118-day imprisonment in Iran — which sounds much more promising than Stewart's last major film, in which he voiced an evil sorcerer with a magic mustache. 

2. Taylor Swift thinks Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are going to hell
In case you've somehow missed the fact that most of her number one singles also serve as scathing attacks on ex-boyfriends, Taylor Swift has a very important message for you: Don't mess with Taylor Swift. When asked about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's Golden Globes joke about Swift's love life during a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Swift responded with a quote she learned from Katie Couric: "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Swift's unexpected attack on Fey and Poehler makes her the first person to say anything bad about either of them in recorded history.

3. Sorry, Rob Schneider won't be in Grown Ups 2
In news that threatens to tear the very integrity of the Grown Ups franchise apart, Splitsider reports that Rob Schneider will not reprise his starring role in the upcoming Grown Ups 2. Asked why he wouldn't be returning for the sequel, Schneider said, "They should have paid me a lot of money […] At the end of the day, they should have said, 'What money does Rob need?'" Because without the participation of Rob Schneider, beloved A-List actor and national treasure, the discerning public that lined up to see Grown Ups will surely shun its sequel. 

4. Justin Bieber's dad got him a "Bat Bike" for his birthday
Justin Bieber may have whined about having "the worst birthday ever," but the gift he received from his father should put a smile on his pinched little Bieb-face: A motorcycle modeled on the "Bat Bike" from Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight movies, but modified to be extra ridiculous. According to E! Online, the customized motorcycle bears artwork modeled on the singer's tattoos, as well as a reference to his 35 million Twitter followers. "That's what you get when you're 19 and you're Justin Bieber," said his smug dad in a video presenting the gift, immediately knocking Justin down to #2 on the "Least Likable Biebers" list.

5. Harrison Ford cast in Anchorman 2
We have a good feeling about this. Director Adam McKay has continued in his noble attempt to cast everyone you've ever liked in anything in his upcoming Anchorman 2 by landing Harrison Ford for a major role. The Hollywood Reporter says that Ford "will play a legendary newscaster a la Tom Brokaw." Further details about Ford's character weren't available, but we're going to go out on a limb and predict that he will be both grizzled and grumpy.