1. Justin Bieber and his fans think The Black Keys' Patrick Carney "should be slapped around"
When the Black Key's Patrick Carney told TMZ that he didn't think jilted pop star Justin Bieber deserved to win a Grammy, he failed to anticipate the potential wrath of Bieber's legendarily devoted fan base. ABC News reports that it was Bieber himself who worked his legions of Beliebers into a frenzy when he tweeted, "the black keys drummer should be slapped around haha," prompting his 34 million followers to descend upon Carney's Twitter feed like a plague of locusts who don't know how to spell or use proper grammar. The obviously shellshocked Carney responded to the flood of negative attention with a frowny face.
2. Actually, Adele and Chris Brown get along just fine
Adele has personally taken to Twitter to clear up rumors that she told off Chris Brown during Sunday's ceremony. MTV News reports that the false story spread when someone took a picture of Adele and Brown that kind of looked like she was yelling at him, prompting a slew of reporters to speculate that she was yelling at him, because who wouldn't? In response to the reports, Adele tweeted, "Chris Brown and I were complimenting each other in that photo actually!" thus becoming the first person to say something nice about Chris Brown in 2013.
3. Kim Kardashian is a victim of "fashion snobbery," says stylist
Let's all take a moment to pour one out for beleaguered socialite Kim Kardashian, who became a victim of "fashion snobbery" during a recent Elle photo shoot. In an interview with Radar Online, stylist Nicola Formachetti confessed that the shoot was "a challenge" for him when designers refused to lend him their clothes, because — for whatever mysterious reason — they didn't want to be associated with Kim Kardashian. Fortunately for all of us, the pair somehow managed to "work with what they were given" for the March 2013 issue, which hits newsstands soon.
4. Josh Duhamel and Matt Lauer admit to crying during The Notebook
In a Wednesday appearance on the Today Show, Safe Haven star Josh Duhamel and host Matt Lauer reluctantly confessed to crying while watching The Notebook — and this is news, because men are usually too busy using power drills and leaving the toilet seat up to have emotional reactions to things. "We're sensitive souls," confided Duhamel, before reassuring any men watching that Safe Haven "is very much a thriller, as much [as] a romantic movie," so it's officially socially acceptable if they like it.
5. One Direction's Harry Styles tweets brief description of Socrates
In the wake of his breakup with Taylor Swift, has the newly single Harry Styles turned to the wisdom of the ancients? On Wednesday, the One Direction singer cryptically tweeted "Socrates, born in Athens in the 5th century BCE, marks a watershed in Ancient Greek philosophy" to his 10 million followers with all the confidence of a college freshman after his first philosophy class. The Guardian reports that the message has already been retweeted more than 25,000 times, marking the first and last time that Harry Styles has been associated with anything that could be considered "classic."