1. J.J. Abrams will direct Star Wars: Episode VII
If you felt a great disturbance in the Force this afternoon, there's a good reason: Star Trek director J.J. Abrams has just been handed the keys to the Millennium Falcon. ScreenCrush reports that Abrams will revive the Star Wars franchise with Star Wars: Episode VII, having beaten runner-up Ben Affleck for the gig, perhaps because Disney wouldn't let Affleck set the film in blue-collar Boston. No details are currently available on Episode VII's plot, which is being written by Little Miss Sunshine screenwriter Michael Arndt, so let's irresponsibly assume that the story will center on a dysfunctional family's attempts to get their daughter to a child beauty pageant (but in space).
2. All six James Bond actors might appear on stage together at the Oscars
Get ready for the utter mayhem of six men attempting to introduce themselves as "Bond, James Bond." Vanity Fair reports that the Academy is attempting to assemble all six actors who have played James Bond on film — from Sean Connery to Daniel Craig, and yes, even George Lazenby — for a special appearance at the Oscars next month. The appearance would be the first time in history that every James Bond actor has shared a stage, which makes it either a very special occasion or a supervillain's clever plot to get all of his enemies into one place.
3. Dumb and Dumber To script completed
In news that's all but certain to vex copyeditors in the months to come, the script for Dumb and Dumber To — the sequel to 1994's Dumb and Dumber — has been completed. And if you're afraid that the movie will turn out to be another humorless dud in the vein of 2003's prequel Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, director Peter Farrelly has some not particularly comforting words for you. "If I told the plot to you, you'd say, 'that's a piece of shit," says Farrelly in an interview at Entertainment Weekly, helpfully reviewing his own movie before it's even entered production.
4. We didn't want our film to be in South by Southwest anyway, sniffs producer of The Canyons
Things have never looked grimmer for the Kickstarter-funded, Lindsay Lohan-starring movie The Canyons, which was rejected by both the Sundance Film Festival and South by Southwest this month. But according to producer Braxton Pope, The Canyons is too avant-garde for them anyway. "The Canyons is a controversial, provocative piece of filmmaking," said Braxton in an interview at MTV News. "The content of the film is incompatible with provincial film sensibilities." Viewers hungry for The Canyons can see Lohan in similarly "controversial, provocative films" like I Know Who Killed Me and Liz & Dick, or decide to watch something good instead.
5. Michael Buble is having a baby
Today in funny-sounding sentences: Michael Buble is having a baby. People reports that the "Just Haven't Met You Yet" singer is expecting his first child with his wife, Argentine actress Luisana Lopilato. "We're having a baby Buble!" the couple announced in a video message. The Week wishes Buble a bundle of bliss when the bouncing Buble baby is born.