1. Jennifer Lawrence is "the most desirable woman in the world," say men of the world
According to one million readers polled by AskMen, Jennifer Lawrence, who played the Girl on Fire in this year's The Hunger Games, is smoking hot. The New York Post reports that Lawrence beat out Mila Kunis, Kate Upton, Rihanna, and Emma Stone (among others) to earn the title "most desirable woman in the world." Readers were reportedly asked "whether they would date each of the women based on factors other than physical beauty," which might explain why Kim Kardashian dropped from number 8 to number 98 within a single year.

2. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey make love to Mariah Carey songs
Pop stars aren't known for their humility, but Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey have found a way to take self-love to a whole new level. Cannon recently told Howard Stern that the couple make love while listening to Carey's music, according to The Huffington Post. Cannon's favorite lovemaking ditty is apparently "Hero" — which includes the lyrics "cast your fears aside" and "know you can survive."

3. Lindsay Lohan skips court date to party in London
Tabloid fixture Lindsay Lohan, who's facing misdemeanor charges, has elected to skip a Wednesday court date so she can continue partying with boy band The Wanted abroad, reports E! Online. Though she's not required to attend the hearing as long as her attorney is present, it's probably safe to say that making a voluntary appearance would demonstrate more contrition than partying in London and Dubai.

4. Avril Lavigne releases cover of Nickelback's "How You Remind Me"
As each passing day brings us closer to the end of the Mayan calendar, harbingers of doom continue to emerge. Today's omen: Avril Lavigne has released a piano-driven cover of "How You Remind Me," from her fiancee Chad Kroeger's openly despised band Nickelback. "Scream 'Are we having fun yet?'" rasps Lavigne on the song, which masochists can stream at BuzzFeed. "No!" replies everyone else.

5. DMX will not record a Christmas album
The internet was abuzz last week over rapper DMX's unconventional cover of Christmas classic "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer," but for now, a DMX take on "White Christmas" or "Jingle Bells" doesn't seem to be in the cards. "Probably not," said DMX when TMZ asked if he'd be interested in recording a "DMX-Mas" album. Disappointed fans will have to pray for a Christmas miracle.