1. Janeane Garofalo has accidentally been married for the past 20 years
After discovering, to her great surprise, that she had been married for the past 20 years, comedian Janeane Garofalo got divorced on Saturday, reports the New York Post. Garofalo apparently married Big Bang Theory producer Rob Cohen, while "drunk in Vegas" in the early '90s, as the pair sat in the backseat of a cab at a drive-through chapel. The old married couple only learned recently that such wedding contracts are binding — no matter how drunk you are — when Cohen's lawyer discovered the record on the advent of the producer's unexpectedly second wedding.

2. Keira Knightley thinks "people aren't that interested" in her breasts
Demonstrating a basic misunderstanding of how much of the celebrity gossip industry is fueled by the promise of naked picture of celebrities, Anna Karenina star Keira Knightley has concluded that no one cares about seeing her breasts. "I don't mind exposing my tits because they're so small — people really aren't that interested!" says Knightley, while posing topless for a cover story for Allure

3. Mysterious Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez meeting ends without reconciliation 
Former couple Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez met in New York on Sunday to discuss the undisclosed "conflict" that led to their breakup — but in news sure to delight hopeful Beliebers around the world, the Biebs is still a single man. Though Gomez reportedly ended the relationship, Bieber's desire to see other women many be at the heart of the conflict, reports TMZ, with characteristic tastefulness, in an article titled "Bieber's dilemma: Go back to Selena or bang supermodels?"

4. Lindsay Lohan insists that she's "fine" in Barbara Walters interview
Despite several years of evidence that might suggest otherwise, Lindsay Lohan is doing just fine, says Lindsay Lohan. In a clip posted by BuzzFeed, Barbara Walters asked Lohan about the problems she had while filming the upcoming TV movie Liz & Dick. In response, Lohan spoke about working "a lot of hours" (perhaps because Walters didn't wink enough times while saying "problems"). When Walters clarified that she was referring to the time paramedics had to rouse Lohan, the actress chalked the incident up to exhaustion, and dubbed herself a "survivor." 

5. The new Twilight movie almost got an R rating due to numerous "beheadings"
The Twilight series is best known for telling the story of a bland teenager and the two monsters who inexplicably love her, but Friday's final installment in the series includes another tween-friendly plot point: A series of gruesome beheadings, which almost earned the film an R rating. The Los Angeles Times reports that director Bill Condon personally wrote a successful appeal for a PG-13 rating to the Motion Picture Association of America, explaining "the necessity of including the beheadings in the film," because there's nothing more vital to a tween-oriented romance drama than wanton, explicit violence.