Royal wedding: 4 rogue theories

Friday's big royal nuptials are just hours away, and while much of the coverage has focused on the young couple's earnest courtship, the bride-to-be's sleek style, and every last detail of the sure-to-be-lovely wedding itself, some commentators have viewed Britain's big event in a less-than-romantic light. Here, four controversial takes on the royal wedding:

1. Who would marry into this messed up royal family?

I wish I could whisper in Kate's ear and tell her "if you really love him, honey, get him out of there, and yourself, too," says Christopher Hitchens at Slate. Really, why on Earth would this young girl want to join an "absurd" hereditary monarchy populated by "vapid disco-princesses" and a "dowdy, feckless, can't-stay-married shower of titled descendants." Please, Kate: "Many of us don't want or need another sacrificial lamb to water the dried bones and veins of a dessicated system."

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2. Well, maybe Kate is hiding a rebellious streak

Kate Middleton is related to Harriet Martineau — the famed reformer, "Victorian sociologist, and proto-feminist" — and the two might have more in common than we all realize, says Christopher Wilson in The Telegraph. "They both knew what they wanted, and went for it," says Professor Gaby Weiner, secretary of the Martineau Society. The question is, once the wedding is behind us, "is there a Harriet lurking inside Miss Middleton ready to burst forth?"

3. Who cares? Trashy American celebs are more interesting than the royals

I'm more interested in Lady Gaga than Lady Camilla, says Dean Obeidallah at CNN. Americans might not have their own royal family, but we have the Kardashians and Charlie Sheen and whomever else is demanding big headlines in the tabloids. "Our royals don't depend on inheriting old money — they make it the new-fashioned way, with reality shows and endorsements that, in essence, make you a human NASCAR race car."

4. Indeed, Americans should boycott the big event

"Americans are supposed to hate monarchs, not worship them," says Mark Oppenheimer at Slate. It's literally written into our Constitution. "If you get up at 3 a.m. on Friday to watch the wedding on television, you are a traitor to your country." No disrespect to the British, but Americans must remember "our own inheritance, which is of a vision still quite radical: that we are all created equal."