1. Kim Kardashian wants to have sex with herself
On a recent episode of her E! reality series Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Kim Kardashian was asked what she would do if she was a man for a day, because that's the kind of inane question you get asked when every other part of your life has already been documented on camera. Kardashian's answer took the self-love she's shown in her years of near-constant media appearances to an unexpectedly literal extreme. "I would want to know what it's like to have sex with myself," said Kardashian. "I would just want to know what it would feel like." She went on to say, without any apparent irony, that she's "ready to be a little less open about some things."

2. Mila Kunis says she's "not disinterested" in Fifty Shades of Grey role
Though the film adaptation of beloved mommy porn staple Fifty Shades of Grey is currently locked up in the bondage chains of the Hollywood production system, fans are eagerly offering their own ideas for actresses who could play the story's protagonist, and have often named Mila Kunis as a favorite. Well, if Kunis is actually offered the role, fans may get their wish. Entertainmentwise reports that in a recent interview with Extra, Kunis admitted she was "not disinterested" in the star-making, endlessly gossiped about lead role — presumably because "desperately interested" is a poor negotiating tactic.

3. Mark Hammill calls for Star Wars movie set on Wookiee planet
Disney has been very busy with its recently acquired Star Wars license, with several new films already in development. But Luke Skywalker himself has an idea they may not have come up with yet: A movie set on the Wookiee planet, populated by furry, grunting creatures like Han Solo's co-pilot Chewbacca. "Set it on the Wookiee planet — although that might be prohibitively expensive, with that many Wookiees," said a thoughtful Mark Hammill. Reached for comment, Chewbacca said, "MMMRHWAGGHGHHHWWHGAHRGGGHRGH!" 

4. Russell Crowe will sing alongside Les Miserables costars at the Oscars
Despite the pleas of many critics who requested that Russell Crowe never sing again anywhere, the Academy is pressing on with its plan to reunite Crowe with several of his Les Miserables costars for a musical number at this Sunday's Academy Awards ceremony. Deadline reports that Crowe will collaborate on a medley of songs with Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway, who, as former Oscar hosts, will surely do their part to ensure that the Oscar ceremony is as overlong and packed with false tears as Les Miserables itself.

5. Thank you, America, for contributing to the cancellation of Starter Wives Confidential
Today's silver lining: Somehow, a nation that has allowed reality programs like Jersey Shore and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo to become massive hits managed to resist the bottom-feeding allure of TLC's Starter Wives Confidential, which followed the exes of 50 Cent, Lamar Odom, DMX, and Funkmaster Flex as they wandered around being irritating. In a letter obtained by TMZ, the network apologized to the show's "stars" and explained that the show was being pulled due to low ratings. "Everyone at TLC is very disappointed that the viewers didn't take this ride with us." And everyone at The Week is very proud.