Feature

Good Week, Bad Week

What happened this week that's good...and what wasn't.

Bad Hair

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Andrew Reale

Cause he the real deal, yo! Cause he the real deal, yo!Cause he the real deal, yo!Cause he the real deal, yo!

Gene Newman

Cause he not the real deal, yo! Cause he not the real deal, yo!Cause he not the real deal, yo!Cause he not the real deal, yo!

Congressional privilege

when Rep. Sanford Bishop (D–Ga.) confronted a long line for an airplane bathroom and demanded that flight attendants give him a paper cup.

Bizarre political pronouncements

as Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura announced he will not seek re-election, reducing America’s inventory of wrestling, sports-announcing governers by 100 percent.

Congressional privilege

When Rep. Sanford Bishop (D'“Ga.) confronted a long line for an airplane bathroom and demanded that flight attendants give him a paper cup.

Bizarre political pronouncements

As Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura announced he will not seek re-election, reducing America's inventory of wrestling, sports-announcing governers by 100 percent.

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Rough justice

when Oswaldo Martinez, a 28-year-old Panamanian accused of murder, attempted to escape from prison.

Polish jokes

as Poles finished first among all Europeans in a test of history and current events sponsored by Reader’s Digest.

Open government

as authorities in Tijuana installed Internet-connected video camera in police stations and jails to prove to viewers across the world that Mexican cops no longer take bribes or torture prisoners.

Foresight

as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays had to postpone Jason Tyner Bobblehead Day after honoree Jason Tyner, batting .214, was sent to the minors.

Italian women

after an inventor unveiled a microchip-equipped line of panties that sound a loud alarm when the wearer’s bottom is pinched.

National security

when parts for U.S. spy planes and other classified equipment turned up on eBay.

Cutthroat capitalism

after an Italian prostitute was arrested for charging customers too little.

Extravagance

after a Montana cowboy tried to rescind a $2,000 tip he left for a waitress on an $11 tab.

Cutthroat capitalism

after an Italian prostitute was arrested for charging customers too little.

Extravagance

after a Montana cowboy tried to rescind a $2,000 tip he left for a waitress on an $11 tab.

Chicken pluckers

whose repetitive-stress injuries may heal now that a new breed of featherless poultry is headed for the market.

Tough guys

after a Montana man brandished a pistol in a bar fight, then shot himself in the privates while stuffing the gun into his waistband.

Sacking and pillaging

now that Mongolians are rehabilitating the reputation of Genghis Khan.

Little boys

when six 10-year-olds were yanked off a Colorado playground and sent to detention for playing “army and aliens,” using their fingers as make-believe guns.

Living large

now that plus-size aerobics instructor Jennifer Portnick of San Francisco has persuaded Jazzercize, Inc. to drop its requirement that instructors look fit.

Divas

after Mariah Carey was voted the pop star people most wanted to kick off the planet.

Bargain hunters

now that Linda Lay, wife of ex-Enron chief Ken Lay, is opening a Houston boutique called Jus’ Stuff, where she plans to sell the family’s heirlooms to raise some cash.

Hair rage

now that a jury has convicted Paul Peyton III of assault. Peyton tried to ram his truck into the Idaho salon Fantastic Sam’s after complaining he had received a bad haircut.

Method acting

now that tean actor Robert Iler of The Sopranos has admitted to participating in a mugging that netted $41. Iler, who had pot in his pocket when cops arrested him, escaped jail time with his belated confession.

Hoss and Little Joe

now that a boyhood neighbor of Osama bin Laden’s has revealed that the terrorist was a big fan of the TV show Bonanza. “That was one of the favorites,” Dr. Khaled Batarfi told a Saudi newspaper.

Old bones

when a 90-year-old Scottish woman completed the 26.2-mile London Marathon. Jenny Wood Allen finished in 11 hours and 34 minutes. Two friends crossed the line behind her, so she wouldn’t come in last.

Brazil

after The Simpsons visited Rio de Janiero and found it overrun with monkeys, rats, and bisexual men. Local tourism officials threatened to sue, and the cartoon show’s producers apologized.

Paper money

now that the U.S. Mint has announced it will stop mass-producing the Sacagawea coin. Few people chose to use the gold-colored dollar, and production dropped from 1 billion to 90 million in 2001. A small number will still be minted, primarily for collecters.

Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren

who might suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs. Astronomers have spotted a half-mile-wide space rock headed toward Earth. It won’t get here for 878 years, but could make a 10-mile-wide crater, create immense tidal waves, and change the planet’s weather.

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