When U.S. interrogators admitted to using Barney the Dinosaur's saccharine ditty "I Love You" to break captives in Iraq, I learned everything I needed to know about American-made pre-school TV.
I'm a Brit, married to another Brit, and we're raising our 2-year-old daughter in the U.S. Like many kids her age, she's the proud owner of parents slack and tired enough to outsource way too many of her waking hours to whatever is on TV.
With exception of the unfailingly great Sesame Street (Big Bird, you're okay, and I think Oscar the Grouch is secretly British), I've found that American toddler TV is a Prozac river. (I'm amazed the CIA hasn't recruited Daniel Tiger and the creepily elated Little Einsteins crew yet.)
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But for anyone who feels the same way, there is another, lesser-known option: British-made shows for the same age group, which offer a more restrained, less gratingly happy affair. They're also often playfully bizarre, dripping with bathos, and full of gags for grownups, making caregiving infinitely more tolerable.
You might already have met one such series: Peppa Pig, a British import shown on Nickelodeon Junior. Peppa and her little brother George live with their mummy and daddy in a little house on a hill. As the title suggests, they're swine. Daddy Pig is an architect, who in one episode designs a house for their new neighbors, a family of wolves. He's also a jelly bellied gentle buffoon and a self-declared expert on everything: Think Homer Simpson for the toddler crowd.
Peppa Pig is a gentle parody of middle class life in the U.K., and tickles that hard to reach sweet spot between kiddie and grownup appreciation. It's cute without ever lapsing into syrupy sincerity, but it's the supporting cast that really make the show. There's Miss. Rabbit, who works every job in the town, and Mr. Fox, whose dollar store-esque establishment stocks every item known to man, including cement mixers and trophies made of "real plastic gold." But best of all is Mr. Potato, a Euro-trashy part-person, part-giant tuber, who's a local celebrity, on-screen detective, and proprietor of garish theme park, Potato City.
Looking for something an even younger viewer might appreciate? Try In the Night Garden, suitable for even the youngest children. Created by the Teletubbies people, it's stranger — and prettier — than its predecessor. Shot in an English woodland, In the Night Garden introduces viewers to a magical land where bizarre and excitable beings, some in vaguely humanoid form, have adventures with bouncy balls, beds, and vehicles that appear to have been borrowed from Terry Gilliam's brain. It's visually and conceptually transporting, and the whimsical soundtrack and avuncular narration will leave you and your pre-schooler slack-jawed and blissfully zoned out.
Looking for more? Shaun the Sheep (a Wallace and Gromit spinoff, available on Amazon and Google Play) isn't necessarily aimed at the toddler market, but even tiny ones will appreciate the gentle stop-motion animation and non-stop slapstick. I could watch this all day long, and so could my two-year-old (we don't, honest). You could also settle your tiny offspring in front of Pingu, another visually witty claymation classic — this time a part British, part Swiss production — about a feckless penguin, his friends, and tormentors. And if you find yourself struggling to understand his musings, fear not. He's speaking a type of gibberish know to his fans as "Pinguish".
America, you may have us Brits beat when it comes to most things entertainment-related, but it's time to accept that we own the kids' TV category.
