The absurd politics of eating while pregnant

"Um, I don't think you're supposed to eat that."

I froze, mouth agape, with a fork full of salad lingering a few inches in front of my face.

"What?" I asked.

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"It has blue cheese," my fellow party guest told me. "You can't eat that while you're pregnant."

Another woman chimed in: "No, I think it's goat cheese you can't eat."

"I'm pretty sure it's just cheese," a third person insisted. "I've even heard all dairy."

I looked down at the spread on my plate. This was going to be a problem. I live in Wisconsin, which means party fare typically includes a plethora of cheeses, cheese spreads, cheese curds, and salads smothered in cheese. I'm pretty sure that my own mother, who had me at a time before Google or the Whole30 diet, considers cheese its own food group, and I turned out perfectly fine.

Right?

I started to panic.

When I got home that night, I did something a pregnant woman should never, ever do: I fell down the Google rabbit hole. Suddenly, I was reading about how I shouldn't be eating dairy. Deli meat was a no-no. As were eggs, spinach, and coffee. And I was to steer clear of any and all seafood products. The list went on and on and I became paralyzed with fear. But then, my BS detector went off. I realized: This seems awfully strict, and aside from recommending I lower my coffee intake, my doctor never mentioned any of these things to me.

When I called my OB/GYN the next day, her nurse assured me that most of these pregnancy food "can'ts" are fads.

"Your baby needs a wide variety of foods and a lot of calories," she explained. "This would not be a good time to suddenly go on a super strict diet and cut out major food groups."

She went on to explain that really, I just needed to be sensible about where my food came from — which is no different from any other time. Living in a landlocked state, I needed to think carefully before buying grocery store sushi. As for soft cheese, the real issue was the unpasteurized stuff, which you typically aren't going to find in a typical American supermarket, anyway. Sure, mothers-to-be shouldn't eat soft cheese that's been sitting in the sun for hours — but that's true whether you're pregnant or not.

Most of the foods you "can't" eat while pregnant are those with higher risk of containing dangerous bacteria like E. coli. But if you buy your food from major grocers, the odds of contracting these bacteria are so low that cutting these foods out of your diet probably won't make much of a difference in the end.

Of course, there are also vast disagreements about whether or not a woman can drink while pregnant. Even the experts can't come to a consensus. When a 2010 survey asked OB/GYNs if a pregnant woman can have a bit of alcohol, 60 percent of respondents said no and 40 percent said yes.

I remember being completely scandalized when I saw a pregnant friend drink half a beer, but when I told friends I had an occasional glass of wine, a few looked at me as if I'd drop-kicked my fetus. I started to see that the so-called "mommy wars" start long before your baby is even born — and opinions about food intake are often the weapon of choice.

When you're pregnant, you have enough to worry about — like how much weight you're gaining, how much sleep you're getting, and how much exercise you're doing. When it comes to food, the best you can do is educate yourself. Ask questions and listen to your doctor, but don't be pressured by fear or shame. Do your research, but don't over-Google. Someone, somewhere thinks the way you're eating is wrong. Accept it. And remember: Most people who want to offer you some unsolicited dietary advice are just trying to find an element of control in a scary area where there is none. Nothing is certain in pregnancy. You could eliminate all of the "wrong" foods and your baby still may have health issues.

At the end of the day, the best way to respond to tricky pregnancy politics is to just smile and assume best intentions — and then help yourself to another bite of cheese.

When I was pregnant, I ate whatever I would eat not-pregnant. I might be biased, but my baby sure looks perfect to me.