The Bachelorette returns on Monday, and you know what that means: Time for another round of ridiculous and mildly concerning bachelor contestant bios!
This season's lucky lady is Hannah Brown, the 24-year-old former Miss Alabama who fell head over heels for bachelor Colton Underwood, only to be turned down. "With a newfound sense of self and a little southern charm, [Hannah] is readier than ever to find her true love," her own bio says. Look, okay, none of these are going to exactly win a Nobel.
But in the spirit of making premature and superficial snap judgments of strangers' characters, here are Hannah's 30 suitors, ranked from best to worst solely on their Bachelorette bios.
Talent manager. 27 years old. Sherman Oaks, California.
Serial monogamist Devin has advice for men who want to find love: "Don't be a sleaze." I cannot overstate how great this advice is. Listen to Devin!
It turns out Devin is also close friends with Wills, who was heartbreakingly rejected by Becca during her season of The Bachelorette. Wills was one of the good ones, and this "fun fact" gives me a sliver of hope for Hannah. Anyway, she will probably send him home on night one.
Real estate broker. 30 years old. Chicago, Illinois.
Dustin likes Christmas and the classic block-stacking game Jenga and sounds like an obnoxiously wholesome person who would consider "the perfect date," like, having a picnic in a park (actually he "loves a good night of Netflix and chill," which, uh, emoji eyes?).
If you want to be with Dustin, though, you need to win the approval of his English bulldog. Now this is the kind of arbitrary criteria for a partner that I can really appreciate.
Finance manager. 33 years old. Bethesda, Maryland.
Joey is the most mature of Hannah's options, being nearly a decade older than she is. Unlike some contestants who still live at home, Joey has been a resident of Australia, Hong Kong, and San Francisco. But "while he still loves adventures, his priority now is looking for a life partner to settle down and have children with."
His fun facts all sound like options in the world's worst game of two truths and a lie: He's been bungee jumping and skydived; he's re-learning how to play the piano; he documents important moments with his Polaroid. At the very least, it sounds like he'd make a good Instagram husband.
Server. 27 years old. Los Angeles, California.
Jonathan meets the unspoken Bachelorette requirement of loving church, announcing in his bio that "religion plays a very important role" in his life. But not to be put in a box, Jonathan also loves sparklers. Oh, the complexity!
Jonathan — who says he is at clubs when he is not at church or lighting handheld fireworks — most wants to visit Miami or New Orleans. Did I mention he loves sparklers?
Tech entrepreneur. 24 years old. San Diego, California.
One of Dylan's three "fun facts" is that he is perennially friendzoned. Also, just in case he doesn't make it as far as fantasy suites, he hastens to add that he has two tattoos: A palm tree on his ankle (unexplained) and a heart with roses on his chest ("for his mom and dad"). Who wouldn't want this classy be-palm-treed man in their life?
Car auction assistant. 23 years old. Newport beach, California.
Because it's, I guess, a competition, Matthew has "a full sleeve" of tattoos on his left arm, plus "a chest tattoo, two right-arm tattoos, and four leg tattoos." Take that, palm tree boy.
Matthew, however, does not go into detail as to what his tattoos are, so they might be even more ridiculous than Dylan's, in which case: smart man for keeping that information out of the official bio. Still, when he's not busy describing the location of his tattoos, Matthew is "golfing" or "hanging out with friends," which isn't the most invigorating biography for a future fiancé.
Roller boy. 25 years old. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Ryan is a roller boy by day and a tightrope walker when he's not doing that. His Bachelorette profile says he "once walked a 1-inch wire over a 300-foot canyon in Utah," which even this cynic admits is a pretty impressive icebreaker. That being said, "birds freak him out." I guess no one is perfect.
8. Tyler G.
Psychology graduate student. 28 years old. Boca Raton, Florida.
Tyler G. stands out from the crowd by using his bio to note he "avoids clubs at all costs," which is a refreshing break from the rest of the contestants tripping over themselves to gush about EDM. Tyler says he wants to be a clinical psychologist one day, which might explain his bookishness compared to the rest of the field, but doesn't explain what it means to have "a side business in Dream Therapy Analysis."
Creepy? Charming? Snake oil?
International pro basketball player. 27 years old. Detroit, Michigan.
Mr. Fourth Quarter (as his bio lets us know he was once called) enjoys dancing to electronic music and not introducing his family to his dates. He spent a year playing basketball overseas, but apparently didn't find it interesting enough to let us know where. Thomas gets points for having normal-person hobbies, and deductions for the omission of all remotely interesting information.
Singer/songwriter. 25 years old. Nashville, Tennessee.
Jed is apparently coming off of a bad heartbreak that made him lose his ability to make music, so expect a corny serenade when Hannah helps him get his voice back sometime this season. Aside from that, the most interesting part of Jed's bio is that he "can shoot a rubber band with freakish accuracy."
What I really want to know is what the criteria for "freakish accuracy" is, how it was determined, and why this is one of the three most interesting things about him.
Portfolio manager. 31 years old. San Antonio, Texas.
Air force vet Mike likes going up and down on trampolines, but he doesn't like going up and down so much that he wants to go skydiving — and he's nervous Hannah is going to ask him to jump out of a plane. Putting that in your bio, though, gives a girl some ideas; Hannah is definitely going to ask him to jump out of a plane now.
All of this makes you think Mike might not be the sharpest parachuter in the bunch.
12. Tyler C.
General contractor. 26 years old. Jupiter, Florida.
The opposite of Mike is Tyler C., who is really, really gunning to impress Hannah with a bio that claims "skydiving is at the top of [his] bucket list." Yes, we get it, you watched Hannah on Colton's season of The Bachelor. You don't get bonus points for just doing the homework, though.
Pilot. 27 years old. Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Chasen only has two fun facts, unlike most of the other men who get three, so it's safe to assume this suitor is painfully boring. What he does share of his life is that he likes watching The Bachelor and drinking cocktails with his mom, and that an ex once rejected the Tiffany necklace he'd bought her as a gift so he gave it to his sister. Riveting stuff.
Then again, there are worse things than being stiflingly dull.
IT consultant. 25 years old. Buckhead, Georgia.
Daron likes football and video games, but is really "just a giant teddy bear." It remains to be seen if Daron is actually a real person, or only exists as a bio that a "generic man profile" algorithm spat up.
Pilot. 27 years old. Westlake Village, California.
Peter's fun fact is that his grandmother is named Rose. GET IT? LIKE THE "ROSE" CEREMONY, THAT IMPORTANT ELIMINATION EVENT AT THE END OF EVERY BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE EPISODE?
Peter is trying too hard.
16. Connor S.
Investment analyst. 24 years old. Dallas, Texas.
Connor S. "LOVES Justin Bieber." No, the capital letters are not optional. He also "loves" (lowercase) "listening and dancing to Spanish songs in the clubs." What Connor S. is really trying to say is that his musical taste is limited to Justin Bieber's remix of "Despacito."
When it comes to love (the noun), Connor S. just wants to make "lifelong memories," which is at least a little more romantic than expressing enthusiasm for assisting women by pulling out chairs.
Pro surfer. 24 years old. Westchester, California.
Hunter's bio wins the award for most forced innuendo, although to be fair it's probably not his fault. Some background first, though: Hunter is a 24-year-old surfer who lives at home (hear that? Those are alarm bells) and says he would "be in the water every day" if the "waves allow it."
While Hunter should probably do a little growing up/move out of the basement before getting married, one thirsty Bachelorette bio editor offered their commentary: "We'd help Hunter wax his surfboard anytime." Uh, speak for yourself.
18. Connor J.
Sales manager. 28 years old. Newport Beach, California.
Connor J. is just an old-fashion gentleman who will "always open your door and pull out your chair" and hates "a girl who gossips" and has a grandmother who urges him to find a "sexy woman" to give her grandkids.
In other words, Conner J. is probably a piece of work.
Behavioral health specialist. 27 years old. Manteno, Illinois.
Some Bachelorette bios are so hilariously bad that there's really nothing to even add. Kevin, for example, "wants to travel more, but he won't go anywhere that doesn't have an available gym."
Kevin's bio doesn't include this, but I'm pretty sure he also says "bro, do you even lift?" unironically.
20. Luke P.
Import/export manager. 24 years old. Gainesville, Georgia.
Luke had a religious awakening in college and now dates "for marriage." Luke's hero is Tim Tebow. Luke's worst fear is having bad gas on a date. This is all we know about Luke P. of Gainesville, Georgia.
21. Luke S.
Political consultant. 29 years old. Washington, D.C.
We know a little more about Luke S. than we do about Luke P. For one, he's looking for "a Southern belle with a quirky personality" and his grandparents were married for 70 years. We also know that he is going on a TV show to look for a wife but still wants to share that he once hit on model/actress Emily Ratajkowski and "made her blush."
On second thought, maybe it's better to not know so much.
Unemployed. 30 years old. San Clemente, California.
Every season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette needs a villain, no matter how unoriginal said villainy is, and Grant is this season's version of the guy who thinks none of the other contestants are "here for the right reasons" and "plans to call them out on it," thereby completely missing his own hypocrisy. Grant also describes himself as "the real life 'The Dude'" due to his love of white Russians and loathing of, uh, Crossfit?
If you're skeptical about what facts here are supposed to be "fun" (or, you know, remotely attractive to a potential partner), Grant says he impresses his would-be girlfriends with "good dance moves" and "blunt realness." Hard pass.
23. Matt Donald
Medical device salesman. 26 years old. Los Gatos, California.
Matt's biggest fear in the world isn't the grief of losing his loved ones or fear of rejection or the catastrophic effects that man-made climate change is going to have on his children's generation. No, Matt's worst fear is "being trapped in a room with spiders." Lucky for Matt, he is on The Bachelorette, not Fear Factor.
Even so, that doesn't mean he isn't intensely creepy himself; Matt says he "loves Hannah and hasn't even met her." Hannah: run.
Golf pro. 27 years old. Birmingham, Alabama.
Garrett's fun fact — and no, I am not making this up — is that he once snuck into Mississippi State's football stadium and "made out with his girlfriend on the 50-yard line." I have about 10,000 questions, not the least of which is why are you sharing this as your "fun fact" when you're on a show to potentially meet your wife?
This is literally the only fact about him aside from that he thinks the "most romantic city in the world is Savannah, Georgia." He does not elaborate on what he and his girlfriend did there.
Management consultant. 25 years old. Atlanta, Georgia.
You've got to hand it to Matteo — he knows how to make a bio interesting at least! He once chugged a gallon of milk in 10 seconds, and he dreams of taking someone to a ball in a castle. Oh, and he's got a side-hustle as a sperm donor and claims he is responsible for 114 different children. I guess we all need something to brag about.
The box king (yes, that is his official Bachelorette job description). 30 years old. Chicago, Illinois.
Joe's family is in the cardboard box business, but instead of just saying that in a normal way, Joe had to anoint himself a box monarch. To make matters worse, Joe the Box King's favorite place in the world (THE! WORLD!) is Las Vegas, which tells you all you need to know about a person.
On the off chance it doesn't, Joe "once went streaking in college." There, now you know everything.
Software sales. 30 years old. Austin, Texas.
A "self-proclaimed dance floor king," Cam dubiously claims that he "can freestyle rap about anything." I'm sorry, how does that saying about the confidence of a mediocre white man go again?
One more thought: Vowing to spend a lifetime with someone who could, at any point, spontaneously burst into a rap about changing out the toilet paper roll or cleaning the rug after the cat vomits on it sounds like my personal ninth circle of hell.
Software sales executive. 28 years old. Chicago, Illinois.
Lots of Bachelorette contestants make the mistake of talking about past relationships or flings in their biographies, but no one quite beats Scott, who uses the space to brag that he is "very skilled at schmoozing waitresses." He also calls himself an "admirer" of Kris Jenner, and shares a random anecdote about how he "once ran in a circle around the mall food court, acting like a flying chicken."
I don't really get how "being super obnoxious" is a great selling point to a potential partner, but you do you, Scott. Obviously you will regardless.
29. John Paul Jones
Financial analyst. 24 years old. Lanham, Maryland.
The first rule of John Paul Jones is you always refer to John Paul Jones by John Paul Jones' full name. Yes, this is one of John Paul Jones' facts.
John Paul Jones is a financial analyst although, in what is surely a typo but nevertheless hilarious, John Paul Jones' "job" space on The Bachelorette website just says: "John Paul Jones." John Paul Jones' favorite drink is champagne, and John Paul Jones only rarely uses plebeian words that are less than three syllables long — the exception, of course, being when John Paul Jones is ordering said champagne. I am already exhausted thinking this much about John Paul Jones, so just imagine being married to hi... ahem, I mean to John Paul Jones.
Math teacher. 30 years old. Louisville, Kentucky.
Brian's birthday is Flag Day, "so naturally," his Bachelorette bio cheerfully informs us, "it's his favorite holiday!"
What kind of psychopath has Flag Day as their favorite holiday, birthday or no? I don't even know when Flag Day is, but I know it is not the best holiday by a long shot; you don't even get off work. There is something clearly wrong with a person who loves Flag Day this much, and Hannah would do well to stay far away.