9 things parents never want to hear from strangers again

Most parents are used to putting up with a lot of passive-aggressive guff from strangers in public. This is especially the case for parents of what passes these days for a large family. In America in 2019, if you have three or four young children, you might as well be the people from Cheaper by the Dozen.

Still, here are nine things no parent wants to hear from random passersby ever again, no matter how many children they have:

1. "You've got your hands full."

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If you grew up listening to a radio station with a classic rock format, you will know what I mean when I say that this is basically the "Slow Ride" of passive-aggressive comments directed at parents. In some parts of the country, especially the South and the Midwest, a woman taking her kids to the grocery store will hear this two or three times in the span of 20 minutes. The implication, of course, is that because the children are making audible noise or demonstrating they are not fully paralyzed or displaying evidence of having at one point in the not-so-distant past consumed carbon-based food matter, the parents are not only failing in their vocations, but intruding upon a sacrosanct public space.

2. "You've been busy."

This is the much creepier uncle of "You've got your hands full." In addition to being moronic and judgmental, it is weirdly and insistently sexual. The best way to respond is to meet it head-on with something like, "Have you inferred, ma'am, that my spouse and I have engaged in what are known as marital relations on at least [give the number of children] occasions? Your inference is not mistaken. We have indeed engaged in activity of that sort!" Believe it or not, parents do not want to have casual conversations with strangers about these things.

3. "Was [number three/four/five] an accident?"

I cannot believe that well-socialized adults actually say this sort of thing, but a straw poll of friends with children suggests that people routinely ask them to discuss the intimate realities behind the decision-making process that leads to new young lives. What do you expect them to say? "Yeah, see that beautiful little person over there? I totally regret her existence."

4. Out-of-the-blue comments about vasectomies

This is sometimes a follow-up to the question above it. Believe it or not, until fairly recently, sterilization was a cruel punishment handed out by tyrannical regimes or a eugenics measure. Only a few weeks ago, a court ruled that a Tennessee program that offered convicts better sentencing deals in exchange for having vasectomies was illegal. Not wanting to have your tubes snipped is a fairly common instinct. Why you would ever suggest to anyone — a stranger, a friend, a relation — that this is the most logical course of action for preventing something that the individual in question may not wish to prevent is beyond me.

5. Captain Safety BS

We've all experienced this. Your child is running on a playground or hanging out in the front yard and a passerby or neighbor hovers with a kind of hawk-like expression, seemingly in gleeful anticipation of some kind of disaster that never happens because, astonishingly, not only are you paying attention but you have also devoted considerable time and effort to teaching your child not to do things like run into the road. Eventually the hoverer will say something like, "I just wanted to make sure he/she was safe." Please. If you actually think my child is in danger, by all means, lift her up and carry her to safety. In virtually 100 percent of cases, though, this is just resentful snooping.

6. "Oh, you had your [boy/girl]!"

For my money, this might be the single most disturbing statement on this list. The idea, basically, is that if you have, say, two girls and a boy, the middle child is an unwanted appendage to what was meant to be a four-limbed unit of mother, father, daughter, and son. Believe it or not, no decent parent actually feels this way about a child's sex. We just love them. Period.

7. Comments about dad "babysitting"

Most of the comments on this list are things that are said to women who are alone with their children in public. If both parents are present, usually they meet with nothing except blandly admiring remarks or, even better, blissful silence. When fathers are alone with their kids, on the other hand, they are often congratulated by randos, no matter how badly their children are behaving. Frequently we are met with comments like, "Looks like dad is babysitting today." What? We do not "babysit" our own children. We are their fathers, and it is occasionally both our duty and our pleasure to escort them to, say, the library without our wives. We don't deserve a medal. We're just parenting.

8. Honest answers to the question: "How did they behave?"

This was one of those unwritten laws of decent human conduct that I imagine was once almost universally observed. When two tired young parents drop a child off with a friend or relation in order to enjoy a much-deserved night out or quick drink, the odds are that they will spend about half of this brief R&R period fretting about whether the child is behaving. It is the first thing they will ask about when they come to pick them up. Don't rub salt in the wound. Even if the child does stomp and cry until the minute his or her parents walk through the door, nobody gains anything by your pointing this out. Just say the kid was "great."

9. Any and all comments on feeding a baby

There is a wide-ranging and at times fascinating discourse about breastfeeding. But whatever a woman is doing is obviously what works for her and her baby. That is all that matters. If she wants to have a conversation about the pros and cons of formula or "pumping and dumping," she will seek it out. But unsolicited feedback of the kind you get everywhere mothers meet other mothers — public parks, McDonald's play places, libraries, church coffee hours — is not welcome. Save it for your mommy blog.