"The Beijing Olympics are officially over," and "I'm so excited to be back, my heart is racing so fast I feel like I took pills from a Russian figure skater," Jimmy Fallon said on Monday's Tonight Show. Like fellow late-night hosts Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers, Fallon also cracked a few jokes about a Finnish skier who suffered a "frozen penis" on a race Sunday.
President Biden has been convinced Russian President Vladimir Putin has decided to invade Ukraine. "Putin's about as undecided as when a server asks if you want a side salad or fries," Fallon said. "To avoid war, French President Emanuel Macron is trying to arrange a sit-down with Biden and Putin — yep, leave it to France to settle a problem with a three-way."
"That's the French for you, always trying to start ménages à trois," Colbert joked on The Late Show. "Just hours after his surprise meeting, Putin gave a speech recognizing independence of Moscow-backed breakaway regions in eastern Ukraine and calling the eastern part of the country 'ancient Russian lands.' So they're independent but they also belong to Russia. Putin's just living the spirit of the old saying: 'If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, surround it with 190,000 troops. Then ask it again.'"
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"Biden held a meeting of the National Security Council yesterday to discuss the situation in Ukraine where they told him it's basically like washing down Taco Bell with an iced coffee: We know something's gonna happen, we just don't know when and how bad," Meyers said on Late Night. Meanwhile, "ahead of President Biden's State of the Union address, authorities in Washington, D.C., will reportedly put additional fencing around the Capitol — which is actually all you need to know about the state of the Union."
"The National Archives confirmed last week that former President Trump improperly took classified material from the White House to his Mar-a-Lago club — also, all the copper wiring," Meyers said. "Trump yesterday launched his new social media app, Truth Social. It's supposed to revolutionize the way Americans have their data stolen."
The Late Show opened with Peppa Pig hitting back Kanye West with a dis track, and it's really something.
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