"The Beijing Olympics are officially over," and "I'm so excited to be back, my heart is racing so fast I feel like I took pills from a Russian figure skater," Jimmy Fallon said on Monday's Tonight Show. Like fellow late-night hosts Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers, Fallon also cracked a few jokes about a Finnish skier who suffered a "frozen penis" on a race Sunday.
President Biden has been convinced Russian President Vladimir Putin has decided to invade Ukraine. "Putin's about as undecided as when a server asks if you want a side salad or fries," Fallon said. "To avoid war, French President Emanuel Macron is trying to arrange a sit-down with Biden and Putin — yep, leave it to France to settle a problem with a three-way."
"That's the French for you, always trying to start ménages à trois," Colbert joked on The Late Show. "Just hours after his surprise meeting, Putin gave a speech recognizing independence of Moscow-backed breakaway regions in eastern Ukraine and calling the eastern part of the country 'ancient Russian lands.' So they're independent but they also belong to Russia. Putin's just living the spirit of the old saying: 'If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, surround it with 190,000 troops. Then ask it again.'"
The Week
Escape your echo chamber. Get the facts behind the news, plus analysis from multiple perspectives.
Sign up for The Week's Free Newsletters
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
"Biden held a meeting of the National Security Council yesterday to discuss the situation in Ukraine where they told him it's basically like washing down Taco Bell with an iced coffee: We know something's gonna happen, we just don't know when and how bad," Meyers said on Late Night. Meanwhile, "ahead of President Biden's State of the Union address, authorities in Washington, D.C., will reportedly put additional fencing around the Capitol — which is actually all you need to know about the state of the Union."
"The National Archives confirmed last week that former President Trump improperly took classified material from the White House to his Mar-a-Lago club — also, all the copper wiring," Meyers said. "Trump yesterday launched his new social media app, Truth Social. It's supposed to revolutionize the way Americans have their data stolen."
The Late Show opened with Peppa Pig hitting back Kanye West with a dis track, and it's really something.
-
5 cartoons of mass destruction about Dick Cheney’s legacyCartoon Artists take on hall of fame, pearly gates, and more
-
What happens to a Democratic Party without Nancy Pelosi?TODAY'S BIG QUESTION The storied former speaker of the House is set to retire, leaving congressional Democrats a complicated legacy and an uncertain future
-
The plant-based portfolio diet focuses on heart healthThe Explainer Its guidelines are flexible and vegan-friendly
-
Has Zohran Mamdani shown the Democrats how to win again?Today’s Big Question New York City mayoral election touted as victory for left-wing populists but moderate centrist wins elsewhere present more complex path for Democratic Party
-
Senate votes to kill Trump’s Brazil tariffSpeed Read Five Senate Republicans joined the Democrats in rebuking Trump’s import tax
-
Border Patrol gets scrutiny in court, gains power in ICESpeed Read Half of the new ICE directors are reportedly from DHS’s more aggressive Customs and Border Protection branch
-
Shutdown stalemate nears key pain pointsSpeed Read A federal employee union called for the Democrats to to stand down four weeks into the government standoff
-
Trump vows new tariffs on Canada over Reagan adspeed read The ad that offended the president has Ronald Reagan explaining why import taxes hurt the economy
-
NY attorney general asks public for ICE raid footageSpeed Read Rep. Dan Goldman claims ICE wrongly detained four US citizens in the Canal Street raid and held them for a whole day without charges
-
Trump’s huge ballroom to replace razed East WingSpeed Read The White House’s east wing is being torn down amid ballroom construction
-
Trump expands boat strikes to Pacific, killing 5 moreSpeed Read The US military destroyed two more alleged drug smuggling boats in international waters
