Late night hosts unpack the nuttiest and most damning parts of Trump's newly unveiled tax records

Few things are as certain in life as "death and Donald Trump not paying his taxes," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "Last night we learned The New York Times obtained Donald Trump's taxes for the last 20 years," and it appears "Trump is in some deep W2-doo." Trump evidently paid only $750 in taxes in 2016 and 2017, thanks to iffy accounting and staggering losses at his core businesses. Worse, "he is personally responsible for loans and other debt totaling $421 million," he added. "Somebody out there — and we don't know who — has got the leader of the free world by the short hairs. If he gets re-elected, Air Force One's gonna end up on Pawn Stars."

"Can I just say if you decided to lend $400 million to Donald Trump, that's on you," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. But the possibility of Trump's creditors demanding their $400 million in a second term actually "has me worried, because I don't want the president's decisions for the country getting influenced by his deep financial troubles — and also, because there's a good chance that Trump is gonna pay off his debt by selling off American treasures." Maybe "Trump doesn't actually want to be president, he just really needs that Secret Service protection," he suggested. "If I had $400 million in loans coming due, I'd also be trying to cancel the election."

Still, Noah said, "the craziest thing to me is that he took a $70,000 deduction on his hair! Because to me it now looks like two crimes might have been committed here: One is Trump's tax evasion, and two is whoever swindled Trump into paying $70,000 for what they did to him."

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"The crazy part isn't that he spent $70,000 on his hair, it's that clearly $70,000 wasn't enough," Jimmy Fallon joked at The Tonight Show. "When it comes to avoiding taxes, Trump knows every loophole. For instance, on next year's taxes he plans on claiming his coronavirus response as a total loss." But "the most damaging part of the report" is it shows Trump's a terrible businessman, Fallon said. "Since 2000, Trump's reported over $300 million in losses just from his golf courses. It would have been a better investment if Trump opened up a Radio Shack inside a Blockbuster inside a Sears."

"Let's just say Melania's gonna be pretty pissed when she learns what half of negative-$431 million is," Late Night's Seth Meyers added. Watch below. Peter Weber