Colbert Nationalism
July 17, 2014

The Democrats only have Hillary Clinton for 2016, but Republicans have "a buffet of enticing options," said Stephen Colbert on Wednesday night's Colbert Report. But his "personal favorite," Colbert added, is "Texas Governor — and cartoon of a Texas governor — Rick Perry." He walked through all the things that crashed-and-burned Perry's 2012 presidential run, culminating in his infamous "oops" moment during a debate, when he could only list two of three federal agencies he'd pledged to eliminate.

But after "two years of agonizing reappraisal, the governor has completely reinvented himself — with a pair of glasses," Colbert said. The fashionable glasses have drawn some criticism — one Texas official called him a "West Coast metrosexual" — but Colbert insisted that the spectacles make Perry "look smarter, more serious, and... [long pause] ...oops." Still, that's not the only cosmetic change: Perry has also given up his cowboy boots, to protect his bad back. Perry's switch to loafers is too much for Colbert: A Texas governor swearing-off cowboy boots is "like the governor of Colorado turning his bong back into an apple." Or something. --Peter Weber

zoinks!
12:33 p.m. ET
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Saved by the Bell actor Dustin Diamond was convicted Friday of two misdemeanors related to a barroom stabbing last Christmas, the Associated Press reports. The Wisconsin jury cleared "Screech" of the felony charge, which was recklessly endangering public safety.

Diamond, 38, testified he had not intended to stab anybody. The victim said he hadn't known he was stabbed until he left the bar and talked to police, AP reports.

Carrying a concealed weapon carries a maximum sentence of nine months, and disorderly conduct a maximum of 90 days. Diamond's girlfriend, Amanda Schutz, was also convicted of disorderly conduct. A sentencing date has not been announced. Julie Kliegman

if you say so
12:00 p.m. ET
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FIFA president Sepp Blatter said at a news conference Saturday he has no ties to the governing body's corruption, Mashable reports.

"Arrested for what? Next question," he told a reporter one day after easily winning re-election to his fifth term.

He denied that the "high-ranking FIFA official" who wired $10 million in alleged bribes mentioned in Wednesday's U.S. Department of Justice department was him.

"Definitely that is not me," Blatter said. "I have no $10 million." Julie Kliegman

police shootings
11:38 a.m. ET
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An Ohio prosecutor filed a motion Friday asking a state appeals court to correct "egregious" mistakes in clearing police officer Michael Brelo in the 2012 fatal shooting of an unarmed black man and woman, Reuters reports. Judge John O'Donnell ruled a week ago it was impossible to determine whether Brelo fired the shots that killed Timothy Russell and Malissa Williams after a high-speed car chase. The officer had been charged with voluntary manslaughter and aggravated assault. Julie Kliegman

2016 fever
11:03 a.m. ET
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Former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley (D) formally launched his presidential candidacy Saturday in a Baltimore speech.

"I declare that I am a candidate for president of the United States and I am running for you," he told a crowd of supporters with his family by his side.

O'Malley spoke of striving to work toward economic, racial, marriage, and gender inequality. He'll face off against Hillary Clinton, Sen. Bernie Sanders, and likely former Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chafee for the Democratic nomination. Julie Kliegman

hockey
8:11 a.m. ET
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The Tampa Bay Lightning bought a ticket to the Stanley Cup final with a 2-0 win over the New York Rangers in Game 7 on Friday night. After a scoreless 40 minutes in Madison Square Garden, Alex Killorn and Ondrej Palat each notched a goal.

The Lightning will face the winner of tonight's Game 7 matchup between the Anaheim Ducks and the Chicago Blackhawks. The Stanley Cup finals begin June 3. Julie Kliegman

indictments
7:39 a.m. ET
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House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Friday he's "shocked and saddened" by the allegations against former House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.), the Associated Press reports. A federal grand jury indicted Hastert on Thursday for allegedly evading currency reporting requirements and lying to the FBI.

Sources told the Los Angeles Times the former teacher and wrestling coach has paid $1.7 million to a former male student over the last four years to conceal sexual abuse against that man. Julie Kliegman

love lockdown
May 29, 2015
Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

Come Monday, the city of Paris will begin removing the hundreds of thousands of "love locks" tourists affix to the Pont des Arts bridge, The Local reports. Visitors might think it's cute, but for locals, the locks are an eyesore and a nuisance.

"This phenomenon generates two problems: a lasting degradation of the heritage of Paris and also a risk to the safety of visitors, Parisians and tourists," a Paris Town Hall statement read.

The city will install glass panels in place of the locks. Last year, a portion of the bridge collapsed under the weight of the locks, which also adorn other bridges throughout the city and even the Eiffel tower. Julie Kliegman

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