As I wrote about the NFL back in January, predicting playoff outcomes is pretty much guesswork. So rather than pore over stats, prognosticators might be served well by just picking winners based on which team's mascot is more badass. And at least when applied to the NFL playoffs, that methodology held up well.
So how well will it hold up when used to predict the outcome of the NBA playoffs, which tip off Saturday? It will prove flawless, I'm sure. To the predictions:
Eastern Conference Quarterfinals
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The Indiana Pacers' mascot, Boomer, is a big blue cat with coifed whiskers and spaghetti hair. He does not look tough, or fast. Check out the eyes. He looks petrified, like someone just took a huge cat cage out of the closet and he thinks he's going to the vet.
Still, Boomer has a natural edge over Harry the Hawk who, despite being a bird of prey, looks like a puny cardinal that sprouted spandex legs. Harry even has concerned eyebrows, like he knows he's in for a mauling.
Winner: Pacers
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Miami Heat v. Charlotte Bobcats
Miami's Burnie is the Philly Phanatic of the NBA. He is a Sesame Street character who wandered off set one day and never returned. He is a personified question mark, covered in thick, bright shag.
Meanwhile, the Bobcats' Rufus looks like a cat version of Top Gun-era Val Kilmer. Yeah, he loves to preen, but when there's a competition, he's all business. And given that Burnie looks like an oversized squeaky toy, Rufus takes this one with little difficulty. Throw some catnip on Burnie and it becomes a bloodbath.
Winner: Bobcats
Toronto Raptors v. Brooklyn Nets
This is the Raptors' mascot falling down on rollerblades.
It is a fantastic gif, but does not bode well for his pugilistic prowess. The BrooklynKnight (get it?) moves on by default.
Winner: Nets
Chicago Bulls v. Washington Wizards
I love Benny the Bull. He's got the perfect mix of machismo and whimsy. Plus, dude has some decent dance moves and Rodman hair.
But this isn't about which mascot is the best, but rather which would tear the others' faces to fuzzy felt scraps.
Meet G-Man, one of the Wizards' two mascots. From G-Man's real bio:
Objective: To keep flying high with super dunks
Hobbies: Gymnastics, Dunking, Working out, Staying healthy and reading.
Motto: "Bring it"
"Bring it." No way the friendliest bull since Ferdinand wins this one.
Winner: Wizards
Western Conference Quarterfinals
San Antonio Spurs v. Dallas Mavericks
(Ronald Martinez/Getty Images, Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
The Spurs' mascot, The Coyote, would make for a great Looney Tunes anti-drug PSA because of his chemical-green eyes. "I used to have a regular job chasing that danged Road Runner. Then I got hopped up on who knows what and, poof, I'm doing stunts for Texans and tripping over Tim Duncan."
On the other side, Champ the horse is terrifying. He's got a rabid visage and, despite being a horse, fingers. Horses are already formidable fighters because of their powerful legs, but adding opposable thumbs to the mix is unfair. Champ drops an anvil on The Coyote and moves on.
Jon Terbush is an associate editor at TheWeek.com covering politics, sports, and other things he finds interesting. He has previously written for Talking Points Memo, RawStory, and Business Insider.
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