My quest to find the least sexy Halloween costume imaginable

I like Halloween. And I like dressing up for Halloween. But what I don't like is being pressured into turning up at a party dressed as a slutty version of Big Bird, or Mr Potato Head, or Spongebob. Every year, companies seem to find new and increasingly disturbing ways to "sex up" — and I'm using a very narrow definition of "sexy" here — completely innocent characters/celebrities/foodstuffs. But this year they've gone too far.

I present the Sexy Pizza:

No words can express the way I feel about humanity in general when I look at this outfit. But there's one positive to come out of the whole dreadful situation: It's sent me on a quest to find the least sexy Halloween costume I can possibly find. After all, surely the whole point of Halloween is that it's the one day of the year when you're allowed to look absolutely terrible and pretend that you did it on purpose?

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So, for women out there of a more discerning nature who want to truly frighten their fellow party-goers, here are my top 5 least sexy Halloween costumes:

1. Cranky Old Man

If anyone gives you lip about why you haven't bothered to come as a woman — let alone a sexy one — you can hit them with your cane.

2. Post-Thanksgiving Hangover

Hang around the food table for added effect.

3. Athlete's Foot

Paint on a couple of warts, make the toes hairier, add some red discoloration — and you're all set.

4. Vintage-lover's Choice

Genuinely horrifying.

And finally, my personal choice for this year:

5. Kim Jong Il

Creep up on a circle of people mid-conversation, and just stare at them.

Obviously there will be people out there who find some, or all, of these outfits sexy. There's no accounting for taste. But at least we made a stand.