Good week, Bad week

Good week for:

Using a knife and fork, after a British woman dislocated her jaw while eating a triple-decker burger. “If food is too large, we would recommend cutting it into more manageable chunks,” said a spokeswoman at the hospital that treated Nicola Peate, 25.

Beerhounds, after Australian scientists created beer that contains less alcohol and more electrolytes—a common ingredient in sports drinks. Beer that provides more hydration, researchers said, should result in milder hangovers.

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Transparency, after the U.S. government officially admitted the existence of Area 51 in Nevada, releasing documents that describe it as a secret test site for Cold War technology, including the U-2 spy plane. There was no mention of UFOs or dead alien bodies.

Bad week for:

Crass commercialism, after tennis star Maria Sharapova asked Florida’s Supreme Court to let her change her surname to Sugarpova for the U.S. Open—a publicity stunt for her new line of candy. Sharapova backed out of the name switch, said her agent, after discovering she would have to “change all her identification.”

Believing in Santa Claus, after a would-be burglar got stuck in the chimney of a California home. Chimneys, said the police, are “made for smoke to come out,” not people to go down.

Revenge, after Canadian police caught a man dumping heaps of manure into his estranged wife’s outdoor hot tub. The 64-year-old then made a failed getaway attempt on his tractor. “It was a low-speed [chase],” said an officer. “About [12.5 miles] an hour.”