Feature

The Week contest: Nursery Rhyme Ending - Nov. 13, 2009

Click here for results of last week's contest: The Nobody Awards

Results: After an English children’s TV show had Humpty Dumpty end up “happy again” so as not to upset young viewers, we asked for the next nursery rhyme to be modernized. Some of you went politically correct. Some not. Some made sure not to traumatize even the most insanely sensitive soul.

FIRST PRIZE: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her lightly baked fish. Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said, “What a heart healthy dish!”Robyn Sharretts, Danville, PA

SECOND PRIZE: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do She asked a producer, who was in the know “If I have octuplets, can I get a show?”Lianne Kuboi, Honolulu

THIRD PRIZE: There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very, very good. And when she was bad, she had her iPhone taken away from her.Mary Walker, Ocean City, NJ

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner Eating a non-denominational winter-holiday pie He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum, And said, “I have an unhealthy relationship with food that causes my obesity.”Bill Muse, Seattle

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe But faced foreclosure, didn’t know what to do She appealed to her banker to lend her a hand Now she sleeps on a flip flop out in the sand.David Sorenson, Green Bay, WI

Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John Went to bed with his britches on One shoe off and one shoe on That’s why she divorced you, JohnHelen Kontis, Fort Lauderdale

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men who can’t marry each other in a tub.Cathy Curtis, Finksburg, MD

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. In this mortgage market, you probably will, too.Michael Plittman, Pittsburgh

Jack Sprat could eat no fat His wife would eat no sweet When they added a pilates class Their bods were hard to beat.Bobby Schackow, Gainesville, FL

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her and discussed his lactose intolerance all day. Pattie Vespereny, St. Louis, MO

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, drinking her soy-based whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her and said, “Hey, did you get my latte?”Marion Law, San Diego

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her and asked if she’d had a nice day.Adrienne Hochee, Mountain Center, CA (and others, similar)

This little piggy went to the doctor This little piggy stayed home This first piggy got H1N1 The other little piggy got none Now all the little piggies cry, “We…we…we don’t know what to do!” all the way home.Peter Savigny, White Plains, NY

Three blind mice, see how they run! They all ran after the farmer’s wife Who’s practiced opthamology all of her life She restored their sight with a laser knife Three vision-corrected miceNancy House, Nashville

There was an attractive, middle-aged woman who lived in a condo with a view She had a fulfilling career and 2.1 children, too She cooked them organic meals and homemade bread She was their best friend, n’er a harsh word said.Danielle Tallman, Litchfield Park, AZ

Tom, Tom, the piper’s son Stole a pig and away did run His lawyer could offer no defense For this was poor Tom’s third offense.Lois A. Dorschel, Hawthorne, NV

Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top When the wind blows, the cradle will rock When the bough breaks, the cradle rips free But baby is perfect and wins a tro-phy.Daisy Michael, Westminster, MD

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep And can’t tell where to find them. Leave them alone and they’ll come home With their GPS to guide them!Gail Noren, Fayetteville, GA

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard To fetch her poor dog a bone When she got there, the cupboard was bare So they ordered a pizza by phone.Gene Hosey, Mechanicsburg, PA

It’s raining, it’s pouring, TV’s getting boring The satellite’s gone, HBO is done and we can’t TiVo till morning.Norma Herrera, North Bay Ridge, FL

Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home! Your house is paid off and your children are grown!Mary Holz, Nipomo, CA

Jack be cautious, Jack slow down Jack walk ’round the candle in your flame retardant gown.Vicki Brownell, Blairstown, NJ

I’m a little hedge fund, short and stout Here is a sure bet, do not doubt When I get in trouble, hear me shout, “Tip me over and bail me out!”Marv Toyer, Carlsbad, CA

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry Until one spoke to Georgie’s mom. Then he was grounded and missed his prom.Miles, Judith, David and Valerie Klein, Frisco, TX

Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and sued the town Jill installed plumbing thereafter.Roberta Rathbun, Goleta, CA

Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack sat down and looked around Jill texted, “c u L8r!”Julie Pilat, Los Angeles

Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water From that day on they had it done By one who’d crossed the border.Tom Sheppard, Flat Rock, NC

…Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill sought pre-treatment approval from an in-network provider Then carefully and safely walked down the hill, As their policy limit was one such lifetime occurrence.Warren Scrivani, Raleigh, NC

….Jack fell down and broke his crown. But Jill stood by him during the press conference.Ramon Presson, Franklin, TN

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