Stuck in a porta-potty, Angelina Jolie's blood lust, Zero turnout

last updated 8 January 2015

Pennsylvania firefighters in biohazard suits had to use soap and a saw to remove a naked man stuck in a porta-potty. Shannon Hunter, 31, was “wedged in tight,” said Deputy Fire Commissioner Chris Miller, “so we systematically had to cut pieces of the toilet away.” Asked to explain his predicament, Hunter would say only that he’d “needed to use the bathroom” after having seven beers at a nearby bar. “When I asked him why he was naked,” said Miller, “he just shrugged his shoulders.”

Angelina Jolie has a thing for blood. She once wore a vial of former husband Billy Bob Thornton’s blood, and used her own blood to write her first husband’s name on a T-shirt. Now she admits she has deep scars on her abdomen and thigh from a sexual “experiment” she tried at age 14, when she and her first boyfriend got into bed and sliced each other up with knives. “It was just being young, you know,” said Jolie, “when you’re curious about vampires and that kind of thing.”

The rural town of Pillsbury, N.D., has been plunged into constitutional chaos after every single one of its 25 residents forgot to vote in the recent mayoral elections. In most elections, says incumbent Mayor Darrel Brudevold, “a half-dozen people usually make it to the polls.” This year, however, turnout was non-existent, leaving the town without a mayor-elect. “Everybody has got a job and they’re busy,” explained Brudevold, noting that most residents have to drive more than 10 miles to the polling place. He has appealed to state election officials for guidance.