Feature

Good Week, Bad Week

What happened this week that's good...and what wasn't.

Bad Hair

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Andrew Reale

Cause he the real deal, yo! Cause he the real deal, yo!Cause he the real deal, yo!Cause he the real deal, yo!

Gene Newman

Cause he not the real deal, yo! Cause he not the real deal, yo!Cause he not the real deal, yo!Cause he not the real deal, yo!

Congressional privilege

when Rep. Sanford Bishop (D–Ga.) confronted a long line for an airplane bathroom and demanded that flight attendants give him a paper cup.

Bizarre political pronouncements

as Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura announced he will not seek re-election, reducing America’s inventory of wrestling, sports-announcing governers by 100 percent.

Congressional privilege

When Rep. Sanford Bishop (D'“Ga.) confronted a long line for an airplane bathroom and demanded that flight attendants give him a paper cup.

Bizarre political pronouncements

As Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura announced he will not seek re-election, reducing America's inventory of wrestling, sports-announcing governers by 100 percent.

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Rough justice

when Oswaldo Martinez, a 28-year-old Panamanian accused of murder, attempted to escape from prison.

Polish jokes

as Poles finished first among all Europeans in a test of history and current events sponsored by Reader’s Digest.

Open government

as authorities in Tijuana installed Internet-connected video camera in police stations and jails to prove to viewers across the world that Mexican cops no longer take bribes or torture prisoners.

Foresight

as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays had to postpone Jason Tyner Bobblehead Day after honoree Jason Tyner, batting .214, was sent to the minors.

Italian women

after an inventor unveiled a microchip-equipped line of panties that sound a loud alarm when the wearer’s bottom is pinched.

National security

when parts for U.S. spy planes and other classified equipment turned up on eBay.

Cutthroat capitalism

after an Italian prostitute was arrested for charging customers too little.

Extravagance

after a Montana cowboy tried to rescind a $2,000 tip he left for a waitress on an $11 tab.

Cutthroat capitalism

after an Italian prostitute was arrested for charging customers too little.

Extravagance

after a Montana cowboy tried to rescind a $2,000 tip he left for a waitress on an $11 tab.

Chicken pluckers

whose repetitive-stress injuries may heal now that a new breed of featherless poultry is headed for the market.

Tough guys

after a Montana man brandished a pistol in a bar fight, then shot himself in the privates while stuffing the gun into his waistband.

Sacking and pillaging

now that Mongolians are rehabilitating the reputation of Genghis Khan.

Little boys

when six 10-year-olds were yanked off a Colorado playground and sent to detention for playing “army and aliens,” using their fingers as make-believe guns.

Living large

now that plus-size aerobics instructor Jennifer Portnick of San Francisco has persuaded Jazzercize, Inc. to drop its requirement that instructors look fit.

Divas

after Mariah Carey was voted the pop star people most wanted to kick off the planet.

Bargain hunters

now that Linda Lay, wife of ex-Enron chief Ken Lay, is opening a Houston boutique called Jus’ Stuff, where she plans to sell the family’s heirlooms to raise some cash.

Hair rage

now that a jury has convicted Paul Peyton III of assault. Peyton tried to ram his truck into the Idaho salon Fantastic Sam’s after complaining he had received a bad haircut.

Method acting

now that tean actor Robert Iler of The Sopranos has admitted to participating in a mugging that netted $41. Iler, who had pot in his pocket when cops arrested him, escaped jail time with his belated confession.

Hoss and Little Joe

now that a boyhood neighbor of Osama bin Laden’s has revealed that the terrorist was a big fan of the TV show Bonanza. “That was one of the favorites,” Dr. Khaled Batarfi told a Saudi newspaper.

Old bones

when a 90-year-old Scottish woman completed the 26.2-mile London Marathon. Jenny Wood Allen finished in 11 hours and 34 minutes. Two friends crossed the line behind her, so she wouldn’t come in last.

Brazil

after The Simpsons visited Rio de Janiero and found it overrun with monkeys, rats, and bisexual men. Local tourism officials threatened to sue, and the cartoon show’s producers apologized.

Paper money

now that the U.S. Mint has announced it will stop mass-producing the Sacagawea coin. Few people chose to use the gold-colored dollar, and production dropped from 1 billion to 90 million in 2001. A small number will still be minted, primarily for collecters.

Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren

who might suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs. Astronomers have spotted a half-mile-wide space rock headed toward Earth. It won’t get here for 878 years, but could make a 10-mile-wide crater, create immense tidal waves, and change the planet’s weather.

Raggedy Ann

after the rag doll beat out G.I. Joe and 90 other contenders to be inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Raggedy Ann joined Hall of Famers Mr. Potato Head, the Hula Hoop, the Slinky, and Silly Putty.

The French

whose famously fearless ancestors, the Gauls, never existed, according to historian Christian Goudineau. Conquering Romans makde up stories about warlike Gauls–still a source of French national pride–to impress the folks back home, Gordineau claims in a new book, Par Toutatis

The underdog

after a 2-year-old dachshund named Ava survived a scrape with a bald eagle in Maine. The massive bird snatched the 12-pound dog off the ground and carried it 300 feet before dropping it. Ava has had two operations and is expected to fully recover.

The Grizzly Adams look

after a poll showed that six out of 10 Americans think former vice president Al Gore looks better without a beard.

Planet Earth

which narrowly missed being walloped by a 70-yard-long asteroid packing the energy of a 4-megaton nuclear bomb. Astronomers didn’t see it coming until just before it passed 288,000 miles from the planet—1.2 times the distance from the Earth to the moon—because it came from the direction of the sun.

Penguins

after a block of ice the size of Rhode Island broke off the floating ice fringe of Antarctica. Scientists say temperatures in the area have risen 4.5 degrees in five decades, rapidly melting a frozen shelf that’s lasted 12,000 years.

Necrophilia

after the Colorado town of Nederland attracted more than 400 visitors for a two-day festival honoring a cryogenically frozen man. The man, who died in 1989, is packed in dry ice and stored in a shed. The name of the festival: “Frozen Dead Guy Days.”

Peace

after a fight broke out as Texas high school students watched a play called Stop the Violence. The play was halted when one boy in the audience punched another in the face, and as students spilled into the hall, a brawl ensued.

Class envy

after the stock market’s woes bumped 83 wealthy people off the list of the world’s billionaires. Thanks to the recession, Forbes magazine reported, only 497 billionaires are left.

Liars

after voters rejected Rep. Gary Condit’s attempt to continue his political career. Condit was trounced in the Democratic primary, then prompty blamed the press. “sI’ve tried to be dignified,” he said, “but you guys have pretty much taken the hide off my career.”

Pessimists

now that the Doomsday Clock on the move again. For the first time in four years, the board of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the hands of the symbolic timepiece forward two minutes, to 11:53 p.m. The scientists said terrorism and the threat of further war had raised the risk of global annihilation.

White lies

when Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the Pentagon was closing it Office of Strategic Information. The office was established after Sept. 11 to build support for U.S. policy abroad, but became the target of ridicule after news leaks revealed secret plans to spread false information.

Numerologists

who experienced a minute of extreme joy at 8:02 p.m. on Feb. 20. For the first time in nearly 900 years, time stood in perfect symmetry. The hour, on the military clock, was 20:02. The date, the 20th day of month 02. The year, 2002. The last such moment came at 11:11 a.m. on the 11th of November, 1111.

Karaoke

after a Filipino man reportedly shot another man dead for jeering an off-key rendition of “My Way” in a Manila karaoke bar.

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