The Republican Party's image problem is becoming an existential crisis. It's the party of rich, old, white men — just ask anyone. It's owned outright by lobbyists and big business, it's out of touch with young people and minorities, it's hopeless with social media, and man, can it not dance.
Well, wake the hell up, America, because the freakin' cavalry is here. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the next vice president of the United States: Miley Cyrus.
If Jeb Bush seriously wants to take on Trump, Miley's the solution. She's aggressively young and female. She's a household name but a political outsider. She's a savvy self-promoter, an accomplished public speaker, and a ridonkulously successful small business owner. She endures more media scrutiny over one underboob tattoo than Jeb's faced in his whole life, and it's only made her stronger. He'd be nuts not to balance his ticket with this dynamo.
Does Miley "get" social media? Twenty-two million Twitter followers, bee-yotches. Is she in tune with America's youth? It's literally her tune. Sure, Miley's white — but she's fun and saucy white, not old-school, "I swear I don't own a plantation anymore" white.
Jeb Bush has a spotless presidential pedigree, and lots of other boring stuff. But where's the awesomesauce? ☹
Alone, he's one of a dozen identical white-guy statues in navy suits, curving gently across improbably wide debate stages like Stonehenge on tour. Slap Miley on the ticket, though, and suddenly Jeb Bush is all anybody's talking about.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Miley's the strategic key to capturing the critical Young Dipshit demographic, and everybody knows it. But there's more: She could be transformative to that stale GOP party line. Just look at her refreshingly simple, progressive stances on hot button issues:
Here's Miley on education reform:
"School is the worst!"
Here's Miley on the failed War on Drugs:
"I think weed is the best drug on earth. One time I smoked a joint with peyote in it, and I saw a wolf howling at the moon."
Here's Miley on international diplomacy:
"It's my mouth/I can say what I want to!"
Debates? Bring 'em on! When you've been shredded on Twitter by Nicki Minaj, crazy real-estate guy is a piece of punkin' pie.
So let's rock this vote, Jeb! Let's put a real outsider in Washington for once. Let's upgrade that dusty old "inauguration ball" with an all-night rave sponsored by Bacardi. Let's put an actual mall on the National Mall. Let's get "Nip Slip Diplomacy" in the lexicon.
If we're ever going to witness the stirring sight of parallel streams of red, white, and blue confetti shooting out of a cone bra, as our nation's first female vice president completes the oath of office, this is our moment.
Do it now, Jeb...before Rubio thinks of it.