Opinion

Why Jeb Bush should make Miley Cyrus his running mate immediately

Let's put a real outsider in Washington for once

The Republican Party's image problem is becoming an existential crisis. It's the party of rich, old, white men — just ask anyone. It's owned outright by lobbyists and big business, it's out of touch with young people and minorities, it's hopeless with social media, and man, can it not dance.

Well, wake the hell up, America, because the freakin' cavalry is here. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the next vice president of the United States: Miley Cyrus.

If Jeb Bush seriously wants to take on Trump, Miley's the solution. She's aggressively young and female. She's a household name but a political outsider. She's a savvy self-promoter, an accomplished public speaker, and a ridonkulously successful small business owner. She endures more media scrutiny over one underboob tattoo than Jeb's faced in his whole life, and it's only made her stronger. He'd be nuts not to balance his ticket with this dynamo.

Does Miley "get" social media? Twenty-two million Twitter followers, bee-yotches. Is she in tune with America's youth? It's literally her tune. Sure, Miley's white — but she's fun and saucy white, not old-school, "I swear I don't own a plantation anymore" white.

Jeb Bush has a spotless presidential pedigree, and lots of other boring stuff. But where's the awesomesauce? ☹

Alone, he's one of a dozen identical white-guy statues in navy suits, curving gently across improbably wide debate stages like Stonehenge on tour. Slap Miley on the ticket, though, and suddenly Jeb Bush is all anybody's talking about.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Miley's the strategic key to capturing the critical Young Dipshit demographic, and everybody knows it. But there's more: She could be transformative to that stale GOP party line. Just look at her refreshingly simple, progressive stances on hot button issues:

Here's Miley on education reform:

"School is the worst!"

Here's Miley on the failed War on Drugs:

"I think weed is the best drug on earth. One time I smoked a joint with peyote in it, and I saw a wolf howling at the moon."

Here's Miley on international diplomacy:

"It's my mouth/I can say what I want to!"

Debates? Bring 'em on! When you've been shredded on Twitter by Nicki Minaj, crazy real-estate guy is a piece of punkin' pie.

So let's rock this vote, Jeb! Let's put a real outsider in Washington for once. Let's upgrade that dusty old "inauguration ball" with an all-night rave sponsored by Bacardi. Let's put an actual mall on the National Mall. Let's get "Nip Slip Diplomacy" in the lexicon.

If we're ever going to witness the stirring sight of parallel streams of red, white, and blue confetti shooting out of a cone bra, as our nation's first female vice president completes the oath of office, this is our moment.

Do it now, Jeb...before Rubio thinks of it.

More From...

Picture of Keith BlanchardKeith Blanchard
Read All
Why the Internet of Things will be worse than a zombie apocalypse
Smart home
Opinion

Why the Internet of Things will be worse than a zombie apocalypse

Donald Trump would actually only be America's 6th worst president
The worst? Hardly.
Opinion

Donald Trump would actually only be America's 6th worst president

Attention, celebrities: This is how you apologize
First, make it quick.
Feature

Attention, celebrities: This is how you apologize

Your smartphone is really stupid
Stupid smartphone
Opinion

Your smartphone is really stupid

Recommended

Jeffries chosen to succeed Pelosi as leader of House Dems
Hakeem Jeffries.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Jeffries chosen to succeed Pelosi as leader of House Dems

The conservatives who have turned on Trump
Donald Trump.
Briefing

The conservatives who have turned on Trump

GOP leader Kevin McCarthy's bid for House speaker may really be in peril
Kevin McCarthy
You don't have the votes

GOP leader Kevin McCarthy's bid for House speaker may really be in peril

Who is Nick Fuentes, the bigot who dined with Trump?
Nick Fuentes.
Briefing

Who is Nick Fuentes, the bigot who dined with Trump?

Most Popular

World's 1st hydrogen-powered jet engine could mark turning point for aviation industry
A Rolls-Royce engine seen during an airshow.
Flying High

World's 1st hydrogen-powered jet engine could mark turning point for aviation industry

Sanctions apparently hurting Russia's economy, Ukraine war effort
Vladimir Putin
New Pain no gain

Sanctions apparently hurting Russia's economy, Ukraine war effort

China's Xi has few good options amid protests of 'zero COVID' policy
Anti-zero COVID protest in Beijing
China's COVID protests

China's Xi has few good options amid protests of 'zero COVID' policy