Former footballer Clarke Carlisle has revealed that he was trying to kill himself when he was hit by a lorry last year.
In a frank interview with The Sun the former Burnley and QPR defender said that he threw himself in front of the truck because he felt he "had to die" after getting into money problems and being arrested for drink driving.
The 36-year-old, who spent six weeks in hospital after the crash, said he had been battling depression for 18 months before his suicide bid.
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But his confession has provoked controversy after actor Ralf Little, a former friend of Carlisle, sent a tweet claiming the former PFA chairman was "going to get away with it" and that the "full story" had not been revealed.
In his interview with the Sun, Carlisle said he was already facing money problems when he learned in December that he had lost his £100,000-a-year role as an ITV Champions League pundit. His reaction was to go to a casino, where he lost even more money.
It was on his way home that he was arrested for drink driving. "Such was his depth of despair he wrongly told himself he would be better off dead," says the paper.
Carlisle, who had been missing from home for almost two days before being hit by the lorry on the A64 in Yorkshire, said: "I walked out of that police station having made the decision that I had to die."
He said he thought about drowning or hanging himself, and even lay down on railway lines before changing his mind and deciding to use the duel carriageway.
"Throwing yourself in front of a truck is a very difficult thing to do," he said. "I saw the big truck. There was no rush. I walked up to the barrier, stepped over it casually. The lorry was about 20 yards away. I thought, 'You're the one.' I took two steps into the road and then jumped into the truck, like a full shoulder charge. I can remember that impact. Bang."
He said he was devastated when he realised he had survived and felt "shame, guilt and embarrassment".
Remarkably his injuries were relatively minor and he was soon transferred to a psychiatric unit where he was placed on suicide watch. He was discharged last week, six weeks after the crash.
However, Carlisle's harrowing account of his suicide bid was overshadowed by the row caused by Little. After sending his incendiary tweet, the Royle Family actor reacted to the outcry by posting a blog that called on Carlisle to be heavily punished for drink driving.
"There comes a point where it's just frustrating to witness someone constantly hammering the pattern of destruction for those around – and I was once one of those around – only to see the destructive force make a moving and sincere apology... then do it again," he wrote.
"I wish Clarke a strong recovery... But when he does end up facing the drink driving charges, this time around, I hope, not least out of respect for the hundreds of drink driving victims who tweet me every year, they throw the book at him."
