Speed Reads

last night on late night

Stephen Colbert doxes Republicans for selling out your internet privacy

"Anybody here use the internet?" Stephen Colbert asked his audience at Wednesday's Late Show. "Might want to knock that off, because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers to sell your web-browsing history." The audience booed, and Colbert took the longer view. "This is what's wrong with Washington, D.C.," he said. "I guarantee you, there is not one person, not one voter of any political stripe anywhere in America, who asked for this. No one. No one in America stood up at a town hall said, 'Sir, I demand you let somebody else make money off my shameful desires!'"

"I can't believe they're publicly taking the side of big internet cable companies," Colbert said. "Taking the side of a cable company? The only thing less popular would be if they passed a bill allowing traffic jams to call you during dinner to give you gonorrhea." He played a clip of Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), who wrote the bill, gamely defending it as good for consumer privacy. "I know what's in her internet history," Colbert said: "'How to spout bullshit.'" Along with being able to sell your browser history, the bill makes it so ISPs also no longer have to protect customer information against hackers and thieves.

"At least Congress did something, that's refreshing," Colbert said. After their health-care dumpster fire last week, Republicans are returning with a "Plan B," and President Trump said Wednesday that passing the mysterious new bill will be super easy this time. "When he says stuff like that, it worries me. Just five days ago, just five days ago, the Republican Party exploded in a mist of blood and bone fragments," Colbert said. "He has the memory of a goldfish — maybe that's why he's the exact same color."

The Late Show also dabbled in a little fictional fair-play, imagining what you would find if you purchased the browsing history of congressional Republicans — then releasing it for all to see. (It's SFW). Watch below. Peter Weber