Stephen Colbert tries to imagine if Obama had given Trump's 'crazy old guy' news conference

On Wednesday's Late Show, Stephen Colbert told his audience there was a "crazy old old guy yelling on his front lawn" at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. earlier in the day, and "Grandpa Baggysuits" (President Trump) had a lot on his mind. For example: Republican unity. Despite the raging GOP civil war, Trump declared his lunch with Republican senators a "love fest," citing as evidence their "standing ovation" for him. "Don't you get it?" Colbert asked. "You're the president. They have to stand up when you walk in the room."

Trump was also reportedly pleased with his actual lunch, rice and two slices of cherry pie, both apparent Trump favorites. "Rice and pie?" Colbert asked. "That's what he eats? Is he president or a baby at Denny's?"

Trump also insisted he remembered Sgt. La David Johnson's name in his condolence call, despite Johnson's widow saying otherwise. His evidence? He had a chart with the fallen soldiers' names in front of him. "Remember when Barack Obama would go on TV to brag about being able to read a name off a chart? I don't remember that," Colbert said. "If Barack Obama ever held a press conference like this one, the Dow would be a zero, and we'd all be fighting over feral cat meat."

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In other Senate news, Colbert said, Kid Rock went on Howard Stern and made a profanity-filled announcement: He's not running for Senate, after all. But he did show that he's still Trump's guy by trashing The New York Times, oddly. "I'm not sure exactly what Kid Rock thinks is 'gay' about The New York Times, but I'm going to guess it's the reading part," Colbert said. He ended with a joke about Uber trying to one-up Amazon's slightly creepy new Key service. Watch below. Peter Weber