Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles Marijuana

Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel rip Jeff Sessions for cracking down on legal marijuana

Thursday brought some bad news for "people who partake of the sweet, sweet green stuff," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show, clarifying that he's talking about "the money states are making off legal marijuana." Attorney General Jeff Sessions rescinded an Obama administration policy discouraging federal law enforcement from prosecuting marijuana possession in states where it's legal — despite a recommendation not to change the policy from a task force Sessions himself had commissioned.

"Come on, Jeff, you're the states' rights guy," Colbert protested. "Would it help you if they smoked the weed out of a rolled up Confederate Flag? This new directive from Sessions can mean only one thing: He still doesn't know that white people smoke pot, too."

Other critics of this about-face include Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), who noted that marijuana is not heroin. "It's true," Colbert said. "And for the record, Sen. Sanders, a spoon is not a comb." Sessions, meanwhile, is on record saying that marijuana is "only slightly less awful" than heroin, and Colbert played along: "They're very close. You take heroin, you die; smoke marijuana, you will die laughing at Jeff Sessions."

On Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel tried to deduce Sessions' motive for cracking down on weed. "No one can figure out why he's doing this," he said. "With all that's going on, this is like locking someone up for retransmitting baseball games without the consent of Major League Baseball. It's very minor. But something about it seemed fishy to me, and I want to connect the dots for you so I can tell you what's really going on here." And his theory probably makes sense — for people who partake of the sweet, sweet green stuff. Watch below. Peter Weber