Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles Trump versus Mueller

Stephen Colbert has some free legal advice for Trump, and Jimmy Kimmel recounts Michael Cohen's greatest fix

"There is just so much meat on the news bone today that I don't know where to start carving," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. He started with President Trump — and specifically, Trump's continued fuming and raging about the FBI raid on his lawyer/fixer Michael Cohen and Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation. He quoted one Trump friend who told Vanity Fair he could see Trump melting down and saying: "'F--k it, I'm firing all of them.' ... This is very dry tinder. If someone strikes a match to it, you could see it catching fire." "Dry Tinder, by the way, is how Mike Pence met his wife," Colbert joked. "It's the only dating app with a 100 percent no-moisture-exchange guarantee."

He read Trump's morning tweetstorm railing against the Mueller probe, then offered "some free legal advice: When you're under investigation for obstruction of justice, don't tweet, 'No Collusion or Obstruction (other than I fight back).' Fighting back is the 'obstruction' part." Still, "unhinged Twitter rants are not how you respond to a federal investigation, it's how you escalate a global military conflict," Colbert said, reading Trump's hot-and-cold tweets about lobbing missiles at Syria and Russia. "Threats, muscle-flexing, macho nicknames — Trump is finally bringing his background in pro wrestling to our foreign policy," he said, introducing a new WWE star, El Trumpo Loco.

On Kimmel Live, Jimmy Kimmel recounted the greatest story about Cohen trying to "fix" something for Trump: threatening a movie producer for passing over Trump for the role of president in Sharknado 3. Regarding Mueller, "firing the person who is leading an investigation of you and your campaign is something members of both parties agree would be a bigly mistake," he said, "but here's the thing: Trump isn't listening to senators, not even senators from his own party." Kimmel played a montage of Trump's real advisers — Fox News talking heads, most of whom are urging him to fire Mueller. Watch. Peter Weber