Late night hosts look at America in quarantine: Toilet paper, guns, alcohol, inept leadership

America will be at the mercy of COVID-19 until we create a vaccine or find a cure — and one "unlikely source" of hope is cigarette giant British American Tobacco, Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Social Distancing Show. "And you know what? I'm not surprised. They spent years destroying people's lungs — of course they know what it's all about. Coronavirus is basically their competition."

Noah threw out some numbers tied to the coronavirus: 1 million infections globally, 1,000-plus U.S. deaths Wednesday, 6.6 million U.S. weekly jobless claims, and a record 3.7 million people applying to buy guns. "So during this pandemic, the two things people in America want the most are guns and toilet paper," he said. "If you want to protect yourself from outsiders, you don't need a gun, people — think out of the box. You just need a recording of someone coughing, on a loop."

"There is one person out there who actually does need more protection right now," Noah sighed: "Dr. Anthony Fauci, the man whose calm leadership during the crisis has won him the respect of all intelligent people — and President Trump."

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"Who would threaten the one guy holding this country together right now?" Jimmy Kimmel asked. In less-surprising news, "sales of alcohol since we all got put under house arrest have skyrocketed," he said, seeing a half-full glass: "Remember, you know, they can't smell tequila on your breath on a video conference call."

"This pandemic would be a challenge for any president, but with the massive public health crisis on his hands, Trump is keeping his eye on the ball by focusing on the things that really matter," like claiming (falsely) that he's "No. 1 on Facebook," Kimmel deadpanned. "With great power comes great narcissism."

"The fate we're currently enduring and the months of hardship ahead were not inevitable; hundreds of thousands of people dying, a national lockdown that has disrupted daily life, none of that had to happen," Seth Meyers said at Late Night. But since "the president has essentially abdicated his responsibility," we now "have a situation where states are begging for lifesaving ventilators and the Trump team is in disarray."

"And you'll never guess who's in charge of this s--tshow: the guy Slenderman has nightmares about, Jared Kushner," Meyers said. That "nepotism case" is "not qualified to do anything, let alone tell New York how many ventilators they need." Watch below. Peter Weber