Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers count the ways Matt Gaetz is ruined by his wingman's plea deal

Stephen Colbert agreed with his fellow late-night hosts that the CDC's reliance on the honor system to keep unvaccinated Americans in masks is unlikely to be effective. "Okay, the only thing Americans need to stay safe is to be honest with themselves," he said on Monday's Late Show. "We are doomed. Do you know what the serving size of Oreos is? It's not 'sleeve.'"

Meanwhile, it was another "bad day for Florida congressman Matt Gaetz," Colbert said. "Gaetz is being investigated by the feds for alleged sex trafficking and having sex with a minor, and it looks like his so-called wingman is ready to sing, man." Today, Joel Greenberg "officially pleaded guilty and agreed to cooperate with prosecutors."

"It's not just Greenberg's guilty plea that spells bad news for Gaetz," Colbert said. "We just learned that, reportedly, at a 2019 fundraiser, Gaetz snorted cocaine and had sex with an escort who was paid with campaign money. So don't worry, donors, you didn't flush your money down the drain — Gaetz placed it on the dresser." After a few more jokes, Colbert moved on. "Okay, enough GaetzGaete," he said. "Let's turn to a completely different story, GatesGaete!" His recap of Bill Gates' problems included a lot of Microsoft jokes.

Greenberg's plea deal "doesn't seem like great news for Gaetz," Late Night's Seth Meyes agreed. "I'd say Matt Gaetz should lay low for a while, but no matter how low he lays, you can still see the top of his head." More Gaetz revelations are probably coming but "we already knew about the drug-fueled sex parties and the trip to the Bahamas with his other buddy, a Florida hand surgeon and marijuana entrepreneur — which is one of the characters in Florida Clue, along with a vaping gator in a Margaritaville tank-top," he joked.

Grown men shouldn't have a "wingman," Meyers said, "but on the topic of wingmen, one could argue Rudy Giuliani served the role for Trump." Former President Donald Trump has reportedly "blown off Rudy's pleas for help," even though he "is deeply entangled in Rudy's mess, not to mention he's got his own legal problems, including multiple criminal investigations of his own." In fact, Meyers said. "I don't want to make generalizations, but there are more criminals or alleged criminals in Trump's inner circle than there are in a motorcycle gang or a Hollywood PTA meeting."