Last Night on Late Night
"I want you to brace yourself, because something good might be happening" in the Russia-Ukraine crisis," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. "Russia might be pulling out" from Ukraine' borders, but President Biden is "smart not to trust Vlad on this one — dudes like him never pull out when they say they will."
"You might want to brace yourselves again, ladies and gentlemen, because it looks like there may be some actual consequences for former President You Know Coup," Colbert said. As part of a New York fraud investigation, "yesterday, the former president's accounting firm dropped his company as a client. If there's any karma in this world, they dropped him for a younger, hotter client. Now he's gonna need someone else to do his taxes — I suggest H&R Cell Block."
The Late Show did find a new accountant(s) for Trump.
"Trump is probably bouncing off the wall he never built" about the "Dear Don letter" from his accountants, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "A lot of people believe this could be it for Donald Trump, this could be the one. I don't know, how many 'the ones' have we had now? We've had, like, 400 or something? Last week we found out he was flushing documents down the toilet, the week before that he wanted Homeland Security to seize the voting machines. He's still on the loose. What else do we need to know?"
Meanwhile, Russian skater Kamila Valieva "claims the reason she tested positive for the heart medication is because her grandfathers takes it and somehow it accidentally got in her," Kimmel said. "Ah, the old must-be-from-grandpa's-saliva defense," he deadpanned. "Imagine how devastating this must be: You train you whole life to be in the Olympics, follow all the rules, put in all the hours, eat the right things, last minute you accidentally take your grandfather's heart medicine. And why does this keep happening to Russia? These poor people, will you leave them alone?"
It's pretty clear "nobody believes her excuse, that she accidentally took her grandfather's heart medication," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. but she's still skating because anti-doping rules go easy on athletes under 16. "I'm not saying Russia had this minor take steroids on purpose because they knew she wouldn't get in trouble," he said, but "don't be shocked when later this week, they use 15-year-olds to invade Ukraine."