Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts joke about Tom Brady's quick un-retirement, Russia's desperate China aid plea

Everyone is still talking about "the eccentric, power-mad, cult-like leader who has launched a surprise bid to retake what we thought he had abandoned long ago — because Tom Brady has changed his mind on retirement and will return to the Buccaneers to play a 23rd season," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "This is great news for the NFL, but bad news for the guy who bought Tom Brady's 'last' touchdown football for over half a million dollars just hours before Brady announced his comeback."

In news of "Russia's war crimes in Ukraine," there's mounting evidence things are "going nyet bueno for Putin," Colbert said, and "the invasion has not gone to plan. Sure, unless the plan was called 'Operation Make The World Hate Us, Bye Bye Big Mac.'" Things are going so bad, he said, that "in his desperation, Putin has turned to one of the few friends he has left," China, 

"I can see why America doesn't want Russia teaming up with China," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. "That would be an unstoppable power couple, like Bennifer but with nukes." But whether China actually helps Moscow, "you've gotta admit, this is embarrassing for Russia," he added. "They're not even, what, three weeks into war and they're already like, 'China, can you help us? We ran out of war stuff.'"

Normal Russians now have even fewer ways to get news from the outside world, after Instagram joined the ranks of banned social media apps, Noah noted. But The Daily Show had a Russian alternative ready to promote.

"Earlier this month, Russia banned Facebook, and now they've banned Instragam, reportedly because users are allowed to post antiwar messages and he doesn't want that," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "He's also getting creative from a propaganda standpoint. The Kremlin is now spreading rumors that the United States has trained an army of birds to carry Ukrainian weapons, biological weapons carried by birds, into Russia."

Tom Brady un-retired after 41 days, Kimmel sighed. "Tom Brady's like your friend who announces she's quitting Instagram and then posts something three hours later."

"That's right, Tom Brady is back, and once again he made history — as the first person to move to Florida and un-retire," Jimmy Fallon said on The Tonight Show. "Brady's retirement lasted 40 days. In other words, he pretty much gave up football for Lent."